Common Themes

One of the fun things about living in an expatriate community is how many of my friends have entirely different backgrounds from myself. Friends grew up in different countries, in rural areas, with different educational backgrounds and different career backgrounds. Friends have different reasons for living abroad and different goals for their children. And still, they're my friends.

Another interesting thing is how much we have in common. In many ways, the expatriate community in Shanghai resembles America circa 1950. Many women have sacrificed themselves for their husband's career. We've given up our careers and moved far away from our family and friends. We've sacrificed roots and a sense of place - but our husbands have as well. Many women work, but it seems that most of us do not. We run our households, managing to keep our family traditions intact and our food recognizable. Many of us have learned how to cook and how to bake - because you're not going to get Grandma's sugar cookies unless you make them yourself! We don't drive. We don't have any income. Our lives revolve around keeping our children well and happy, and managing our husband's schedules. The children in the schools talk about where their families live, and where they'll travel for Christmas. They share holiday traditions, and no one stands out when Daddy travels for a week at a time.

Incredibly, I'm learning that I like the 1950s housewife lifestyle. I'm enjoying cooking everything from scratch. I like spending most of my time with my kids, and making family time a priority. I love helping out at L--'s school. And although I do miss working, I have adjusted to life as a full-time mom and am not planning to change that anytime soon. Most of my friends say the same.

Sadly, another commonality amongst expatriate families is marital hardship. The men travel a lot. They're expected to work long hours, and often late into the night. Many Chinese people seek a way out of their country, and a rich expatriate man is the easiest ticket for a young woman who speaks English. Too many women - including friends of mine - have found themselves in this horrendous situation. Having given up their lives entirely, their husband leaves them for another woman. One friend has been abroad for quite some time - such that she has no home to return to. She has no credit history, and no property. She has no income, and since her husband still works for the company, no one will ship her and her belongings back to her homeland. Her children now face living without their father, as he will stay in China. What is frightening in the United States becomes terrifying in a foreign land.

Divorce rates are high in the U.S., and have been for some time. My understanding is that the rates are much higher for families living abroad. I heard at one point that an international move is one of the most difficult adjustments for a person to make. No doubt it is one of the most difficult adjustments for a couple to make as well.