Contract Renewal

Our time in the states is quickly coming to its end.  After 6 weeks in America, we will return to our home in Shanghai on Saturday.  It feels as if the stress of moving around frequently and staying in other peoples' homes coupled with the emotion of saying good-bye to people for another year or more is catching up with me.

Although I have never dreaded our return to Shanghai, I have never felt that I miss my life there as a whole.  

I miss my weekly walks with Erin, and I miss evenings out with Becca, Claire and Anna.  I do miss my friends.

L-- misses her school, her teachers and her routine.  She and S-- know Shanghai as their home, and although they love their family with an amazing intensity, they are eager to return to what is their only home.

I enjoy my life in Shanghai, with all of its individuality and choices.  Everyone I know dresses in their own unique style, cooks in a different form, and chooses to spend their money on entirely different things.  We parent in different ways.  We stock up on different things when we return home.  And I have the opportunity to make so many interesting choices, including taking photography classes and having clothes tailored.  Shanghai has always been a very international city, where nearly anything is available if you are willing to look and pay for it.  Its an exciting place to live, and our life there is good.  We have good friends, a good school, a good home and good help.  Yes, life is good in Shanghai.

And still, this morning I woke up not ready to leave.

Life is so simple in America.  We spend time with family and friends - people I have know for years, and feel entirely comfortable around.  The drain in the bathtub works efficiently and the furnace heats the entire house comfortably.  A large load of laundry can go from start to finish in under 2 hours, and I can feed my family on comfort food for under $20.  I can find any ingredient I need at the grocery store, and any medication I need at the pharmacy.

And because life is so simple, so full of choices, I feel that I can tailor the life I want for myself and my children in the states.  In Shanghai, I need the support of people in my same position.  Of course I do - raising children in a foreign country is difficult for anyone.  But I come in direct contact with more diversity just spending an afternoon in Chicago than I do spending a week in Shanghai.  Living abroad, I seek out people like myself.  Living at home, I seek out people different from myself.

And the comparisons don't stop there.  Living at home, I live beneath my means and give my time and my money to organizations in need.  Living abroad, I spend my money to make myself comfortable and am entirely unfamiliar with organizations that could use my time.  I live an elite life abroad, hidden from the problems and many of the people in Shangai, clustered together with people like me in many ways.

I could carry this internal debate on for many more paragraphs.  My mind has no resolution.  I fully enjoy my life in Shanghai, and part of what I enjoy is living outside of my comfort zone.  But living near family, friends and the familiar allows me to tailor my life more specifically to the type of individual and parent I want to be.

And this all comes to my mind at this point because of impending change.  Not just the immediate change of our return to Shanghai on Saturday.  Also, the more long-term change which lies on the horizon.  Uncle H-- moved Dave to Shanghai on a 2-year contract.  That contract expires on October 1st.  He has already begun conversations with this grand uncle about what we would like to happen next.  Discussions of Dave's career take us in one direction, and preferences for how to raise our children take us in another.

It seems that Dave has Uncle H--'s support to stay abroad for at least another few years.  At this point, we would like to stay in Shanghai for both girls to attend their school next year and to provide that level of stability for them.  But what from there?  As individuals, Dave and I enjoy the expatriate life.  But as a parent, I can't shake the idea that tearing our children from their families for most of the year simply can not be the best choice for them.

In the short term, I know that although I hate to leave right now, I will be happy to arrive back at home and to step back into my life.

In the long term, I have no idea whether or not our life abroad is the right choice for our family.

I have no idea.