11:39 pm

Dave worked late tonight.

This is the 6th day of full-time work; just over 1 week. One night last week, he worked until 6:00 the next morning. I put the girls to bed by myself. Another night last week, he went back to work at 7:00 in the evening for an international call. I put the girls to bed by myself. This evening he got home at 8:15. I did the baths and the brushing teeth myself. But when he walked in at 8:15, I grabbed my bag and walked out.

I wanted to feel like I was running away and couldn't be found. But really, I knew that wasn't the case. I'm sure he noticed that I took the shampoo with me, and neither jacket nor money.

I went down to the fitness room, spent some time on the treadmill, and then moved to the ladies sauna. I soaked in the hot tub, dipped in the cold water plunge, and then took a hot shower. The room was luxurious, with marble floors and mirror-lined walls. And empty, which made it feel decadent. I had stuffed my entire stash of magazines into my bag, and made it through two good, feminist rags. At about 10:00, I went back upstairs, talked with my husband for a little while, and we went to bed.

But I can't sleep.

I read a story by a woman who spent time as an abortion counselor. She recounted the time period when she was pregnant. Her pregnancy only lasted 10 weeks. She explained the turmoil in her heart, losing her pregnancy involuntarily as other women chose to lose theirs. I felt so many emotions reading her account. Having so recently been pregnant, I can still vividly recall all of the feelings associated.

I can remember sitting on the doctor's table every month while she checked for a heartbeat. The smallness of the room, cramped with the table, the doctor and Dave. How uncomfortable I felt on the table when we waited for the doctor, wanting so badly just to lie down with my feet up, but realizing how ridiculous that would look when she came in. A few quick hellos, and then lifting my shirt just above my ever growing belly for her to squirt a pile of cold gel on top. The smooth weight of the ultrasound as she searched for the heartbeat. The short sense of fear until we could hear the quick pulsing fill the room. "She's perfect." The doctor would smile and say this every time. And I always felt a rush of relief. But more than relief. I always felt this warm feeling when she told me that I was carrying the perfect baby.

I want so much to feel that warm feeling now. There are so many wonderful things in my life, but somehow I can't reach most of them. I have a wonderfully healthy 10 month old baby, who I can't enjoy nearly enough because she spends so much of her life angry. I have a smart and spirited toddler, who I can't figure out how to discipline and control. I have a wonderful husband, by whom I often feel abandoned. I live in an incredible city, but I can't figure out how to explore it with two youngsters.

And then my mind jumps. To realize how amazingly lucky I am. Physically near to me are people with much less. I blame much of my girls temperaments on a lack of sleep from a frustrating hotel arrangement. But how ridiculous - most families in China share 1 room. I complain about Dave's hours, but he hardly carries an exorbitant work load. Our family is one of the privileged few in this city, and I act like it. All the way down to complaining that my abundant wealth doesn't make my life easy enough.

I miss living in my own home.

I miss having my mother and father, Nana and Papa, down the street.

I miss being able to fix food that is both cheap and comforting.

I feel like our lives - L--, S-- and mine - would be so much richer if S-- would just pass through this stage. And sadly, I've felt like that since she was born. And I hate that. I want so badly to enjoy her. I see pictures of happy women holding their babies, and my heart yearns for it. If I had known that S-- would still be "collicky" at this stage, we would not have accepted this position. How can a child be unhappy for so long?

I've been praying for God to help her, and to give me patience. I've been praying it for 10 months now. It began to feel redundant a long time ago.