Needing to Belong

Every winter, we faced the same feelings. By about mid-February, we thought we had no friends. We never spent any time with our neighbors, and many of our evenings were spent at home without any guests. We began to bemoan our situation, wondering whatever happened to all of the people who surrounded us last fall?

The weather would begin to brighten. On one of the first warm, sunny spring days we would decide to take a moment and sit on our front step. We'd watch the street perk up with springtime, everyone walking around with smiles on their faces, their jackets left inside. We'd talk to our neighbors as if they were old friends, people who'd been away on vacation for months. We'd invite people over for dinner, and we'd join them for walks or coffee.

It seems that we are front porch people. We love to belong. And maybe by "we" I mean everybody, because who doesn't love to belong? In our house, on our street, we belonged to a neighborhood. We were important members of our block, and part of the daily lives of the people whose homes surrounded ours. We also belonged to a church; we belonged to a small group; we belonged to alumni groups; we belonged to interest groups. We had friends all over the city, and we came together with them often over common interests and arranged meetings.

In Shanghai, I rest assured that I have friends. There are plenty of people who enjoy the company of me and of my children. We have no trouble arranging playdates or making new friends on the playground.

But I've come to realize that I still feel lonely, and I believe it is because I don't belong to anything. Even with friends a phone call away, every meeting is a purposeful appointment and takes effort. There is no time that we naturally come together.

I came to realize this because a few of the ladies I feel closest to were in a music class with their children and mine. Each session lasts 8 weeks. I didn't think twice before signing up for the new session. My girls sing the music class songs at home and need the social interaction, but I also enjoyed meeting up with my group of friends regularly.

The new session started Wednesday.
We arrived late, as usual.

We did not know anyone.

None of our regular friends had decided to take the course again.

And in a place I knew, with a teacher I knew, surrounded by people, I felt very lonely.