Feeling Good?

I've used my poor internet connection as an excuse to stay distant from voicing my feelings about this move.

To my defense, the internet connection is quite poor. The Great China Firewall blocks all computers accessing the internet within China from reaching any material which may be inflammatory. We can never open Wikipedia. Often I can not read my own blog. So we purchased a personal VPN - that is, our personal computer now accesses the internet from somewhere outside of China. I'm not sure how it works, but I know that it does. When our VPN is turned on, I can read about the riots on Tiananmen Square. But also when our VPN is turned on, our computer runs slow. This week, it ran very slow.

Today, both my internet connection and myself are feeling full of energy and ready to go.

This move to Puxi is not big news. We dealt with this move months ago. I did not want to move, and brainstormed every good reason to go. The list of pros is long, and that list has been running through my head all week:
+ L-- can attend a wonderful school.
+ Neither child will mind moving; both adapt quickly to new surroundings.
+ We're staying in town, so I won't be starting over on friends.
+ We know how the expat social systems work, and will make friends quickly.
+ We'll live near the church we like, and likely will be able to attend regularly.
+ We'll live in a much more interesting part of town, with new parks and alleys to explore and loads of new restaurants to try.
+ Dave's commute should drop dramatically.

I know all of this.

I know that we will all be fine.

As an added bonus, we are expecting loads of guests. Over the next 7 weeks, we expect to host 4 different groups of people - with 8 people cycling through our home until the October holiday. Between moving, hosting frequent guests, and settling L-- into school I know that these next two months will fly by.

The more I let the move settle into my bones, the more comfortable I become. I bathe the girls, crouched in our small bathroom, and I think Maybe our new home will have a larger bathroom - maybe even two bathrooms, where the girls can keep their toys out of my Master tub! I pick up lunch at the grocery store, and I think Soon we'll be shopping at a new grocery store. It'll be fun to have all new options for lunch!

I know that the move is for the best, and I know that I will be happy there.

Still, I know that I am happy here. And although I usually enjoy moving and eagerly anticipate major change, this one leaves me unsettled. It took a long time to become comfortable here. To figure how things work and who to talk to. I'm not ready to start over.

I've got friends here. I've got a large circle of friends. All of them live within walking distance of my home. Some of them live a quick elevator ride away. I've got people I can share dinner with when Dave's working late. I've got people I can meet up with when S--'s been screaming. I've got babysitters and substitute ayis. I've got a support group, possibly larger than I had in St. Louis.

I've got a home here. I like our apartment. I like the size - just enough space, with each inch put to practical use. But with no real need for more. If I can't find a place for it, I probably don't need it and plenty of things leave our house for just that reason. I like the view - I look out from my desk and stare at the Oriental Pearl Tower. I sit on the balcony off of my bedroom and see the boats floating slowly by on the river. I like the decor - for a furnished apartment, this space feels homey. Chinese taste in furniture runs toward gaudy, with large furniture in dark colors trimmed with gold and baroque finishes. The spectrum of furnished apartments runs from fully Chinese to fully Ikea, with low quality furniture in bright colors not quite filling the space. But our home came well decorated, with comfortable furniture, tasteful decorations and a color scheme which would work in my home in the states. I like the complex - I now realize that we live in the nicest complex in Shanghai. I do not say that lightly. The units may not be the nicest and the management may not be the best, but the complex amenities win any contest. We have three swimming pools and three splashing fountains within our complex. We have 3 playgrounds within our complex, one with sand - our children's personal favorite. We have 2 large barbeque pits, which we've found perfect for evenings with friends. And we have green space. Loads of green space - more green space than any other complex I've seen. Further, our green space isn't infinitely planted and manicured. We have lawns where kids are free to run, kick soccer balls, have picnics - simply green space.

Don't say it - I know. My friends will remain my friends. I will make more friends, and my current friends will leave town. I will find a new home, and it will feel comfortable as well. Sure. I know. My mind knows that this move is for the best.

My heart still yearns to stay home.