Dialogue at the Hand-Over

I was handed the keys to our new home this morning. We will move from our high-rise, 225 square meter apartment into an old, old house down a little Chinese lane with 150-170 square meters and no closets. Not kidding about the no closets bit. Not even those wardrobe things. Hardly even cabinets in the kitchen. Conversations from this morning.

Cast of Characters:
Myself: The stupid Westerner
Wendy: My ayi, a native Mandarin speaker but also nearly fluent in English
Tony: Our agent, a native Mandarin speaker who also speaks English, but always mixes up his pronouns
Contractor: The man sent by the landlord to answer questions and move furniture

Scene 1
Inside the kitchen of the new house
Wendy: This house is very nice (clear implication that she is surprised).
Lynne: Yes, very nice. Just not very practical.
Wendy: What does "practical" mean?
Lynne: Um, it means that the house is lovely, but we are stupid to live here.
Lynne: (opening kitchen cabinets) See, these cabinets do not hold storage. They cover old pipes.
Wendy: Oh my.
Lynne: (walking into storage room) This is our 2nd bedroom, but we will have to keep food and dishes in here from the kitchen.
Wendy: The door is missing!
Lynne: (climbing the stairs) The master bedroom is up here, so far away from the girls' bedroom.
Wendy: Oh my. I think you will not live here for long. Maybe 6 months.

Scene 2
On the large rooftop terrace
Wendy: Right now, I clean your balcony every day. Will I need to clean this balcony every day?
Lynne: No, I don't think so. It is too large, and made of wood. We will wear sandals.
Wendy: I think that is best.
Lynne: (sees a large bug climbing a tree in the garden) Do you see that bug? What is that?
Wendy: That bug smells bad. If you touch it, your finger will smell bad for a long time.
Lynne: A stink bug?
Wendy: Yes, a stink bug.
Lynne: Yes, I think bugs will be a problem here. We will have to keep everything very clean so we don't have bugs and rats in the house. I really hate rats. I really don't want bugs or rats in the house.
Wendy: I think this is a very old tree. It is very large. Bugs will live in it. I think I can not clean this tree for you.

Scene 3
In the Living Room
Lynne: (to Wendy) I think they need to repaint the walls in here. Do you see the spots on the walls?
Wendy: Yes, I see the spots. I think they are not so bad.
Lynne: Hmm, I think that if we all see the spots then they are bad. There are many of them, and they are very large. It looks like they didn't finish painting this wall.
Wendy: Yes, I know. I think you should just hang pictures over all the spots. No problem.
Lynne: Oh, what if I don't want pictures in those places! Tony, we need to repaint this wall.
Tony: You think this is a problem?
Lynne: Yes, I think this is a problem.
Tony: I think it looks okay. Maybe they don't need to paint.
Lynne: If we all see the spots on the wall, then they are bad. I think they should paint one more coat of paint. It is a large wall. This is a simple job.
Tony: Alright, I will ask. (speaks in Mandarin to the contractor)
Contractor: (speaks in Mandarin to Tony - pointedly never speaks to me the entire day. In fact, generally begins speaking moments after I begin speaking.)
Tony: He says that they only painted the wall 1 month ago. He says it can not be dirty.
Lynne: I see. He is absolutely right. They did a lovely job painting the wall and keeping it clean. They just need to do a second coat.
(Tony and contractor speak in Mandarin again)
Tony: He says that if he paints the wall tomorrow, much paint will fall on the floor.
Lynne: I don't understand.
Tony: If he has to paint all of the walls in this room, that is a lot of paint. Much paint will fall on the floor and someone will have to clean it.
Lynne: I still don't understand. Why can the painter not clean it himself?
(Everyone looks at Lynne in surprise)
Tony: The painter does not do this. He paints. He does not clean.
(Lynne engages in conversation with Sophia, so as to extricate herself from the conversation)
Later
Lynne: (to Wendy) What did you decide about painting the walls?
Wendy: The painter will come tomorrow. I will follow behind him very closely, and quickly clean the floor whenever he paints.
Lynne: And you're okay with this?
Wendy: It is okay.
Lynne: I would suggest you bring along newspaper or an old cloth. Put it on the floor, and you will not have much to clean.
Wendy: Oh, that is a good idea!