The Perils of Motherhood, part II

I make no argument that raising children abroad is more difficult than raising them in one's home country. The actual parenting challenges may differ, but I imagine that many of the challenges I would face in the states come quite simply abroad and vice versa. Each individual child faces individual challenges, and those may be big or small for the child no matter where they live.

But being a mother abroad can be a very difficult task.

Finding the right milk is hard, and keeping cool under stress is hard, and not bad-mouthing the city and country which is their home is quite difficult. A parent's primary responsibility is to make choices for their child, healthy and balanced choices which lead to a healthy and balanced individual. And as an American, I like my choices. I like to enter Super Target and walk down the massive aisle filled with different kinds of toothpaste, because I know exactly which kind of toothpaste is best for me. But in China, I just don't have many choices. I can choose a local school, but this presents too many challenges for our temporarily Chinese family. I can choose an academically rigorous school, but my children are young. So I choose the one school that's left. Their preschool is fine - it offers a play-focused approach to learning, and allows preschoolers to attend half-day. We will all be home by 12:40 every day for an unstructured afternoon. But it has taken me most of this week to stop comparing it to The Wonder Center from last year, or to City Garden from St. Louis. And I still comfort myself with all of the options I know we'll have in DC.

As we've been here for 2 years now, I've pretty fairly accepted Shanghai as my home. I know what I can find, and what may not ever show up at the grocery store. I know not to hail a taxi in the rain and to avoid changing trains at the People's Square metro station. I know to seek out Western restaurants with a good reputation when I'm feeling grumpy, and to save the local places for when I'm feeling adventurous. I know how to ask for help, and how to ask for prayer. I know that I don't have many good choices available, and I've learned to be happy with what I have. I like my life.

I have two friends who have decided to move back home, because they just don't like it here. I can understand entirely, and I have certainly felt the urge. Especially in those first few months - rare is the individual who felt comfortable in Shanghai before hitting the 6 month mark. But mothering makes everything more difficult. Many young mothers reach Shanghai having only recently given up our career, and establishing themselves as non-professionals for the first time. Keeping a house running and children well-adjusted in this city is a full-time job that requires a staff, but its still a mental adjustment. Raising children far away from their family leaves us all guilt-ridden. We all work hard to keep our kids connected to their families in their home countries, while some of our families make very little effort. Unfortunately, my children can no longer name most of their aunts and uncles (although their grandparents and cousins are remarkably well burned into their minds). This is truly unfortunate, and it is due to a choice that Dave and I made. Health care is spotty, pollution is rampant, and food quality varies dramatically. Were I here without children, I would establish my identity based on my skills as a professional and my interests as a volunteer. Were I here without children, I would maintain ties with my family and easily re-establish key relationships in my few weeks back home. Were I here without children, I wouldn't worry about health issues, food safety or pollution would be minor blips on my radar.

Both friends will leave Shanghai with their children soon. Their husbands have chosen to stay here. This is not a choice toward divorce. This is two individuals needing to lead different lives for the next few years. A family deciding that the job is more important right now than being together all of the time. This is not as dramatic as it may sound. Many husbands in expatriate positions spend the majority of their time traveling, leaving their wife and children to navigate the challenges of Shanghai life on their own. The girls and I are blessed that Dave is usually around, and that he makes a concerted effort to be home for dinner most nights.

I am quite with the life that we've chosen, and excited to continue it for the foreseeable future. But with the changes forced upon us, and the friends giving up, it makes me see what a challenge motherhood adds to every choice I make. Anything with kids is amazing. But Shanghai without kids would be a breeze.