Final Home Choice

I recognize that with the career Dave has chosen, I may not be able to choose my own home for many, many years. At foreign posts, housing is assigned based on each family's answers to a questionnaire. Gotta love the government - especially as we are asking it to run every single aspect of our lives.

So I particularly relish our new home. We moved in on Thursday, and still have boxes piled around the house and no internet connection. We've got a rather seedy looking internet cafe across the way, with a man rather grossly masticating to my right. We make do.

The walls were spot painted only, but they look fine.
The water runs hot, the mosquitos swarm the garden in amazing clouds, and the roaches on the sidewalks look like they escaped from the zoo. But I have seen nothing larger than a fly indoors, and our rooftop terrace is amazing. The details in this house are absolutely lovely, and we have it fully furnished and feeling quite cozy.

As a lane house, we are surrounded by Chinese families living in old homes. Many of our neighbors have their kitchens across the lane from the rest of the house, and a crowd often gathers late into the night playing mahjong on the stoop across the garden. Its quiet and people all smile at us. Its lovely.

The former French Concession has slow-moving streets with wide sidewalks, plenty of old plane trees providing full-shade and protection from the rain. We can walk to loads of good restaurants - many of the best in town. Loads of boutique shops are in our neighborhood, and I'm loving the 3 minute commute to school every morning.

As a consequence of this shortened commute, we had to let our driver go. The worst news of our move, and even this has serious upshot - we save over $1,000 per month. Our sweet driver has calmly negotiated the travails of Shanghai traffic for us over the past 6 months, and we have enjoyed his company as well as his expertise. Last night, he sent a lovely message. The internet translation may be the most touching part:

I want to say:you are very honored to service,that is too short.If you are in shanghai,although there is a need I say,I am very willing!Finally Thank you very much they help me to find another job.

I will miss his company and his help, but I am happy that he starts his new position tomorrow.

We have found places for all of our things, and already enjoyed the terrace over many evenings. We have a great room encompassing the kitchen, dining room and living room. We ate dinner at the kitchen table tonight, the first home-cooked meal in the house. And how lovely, to enjoy the family and the music while I cooked. Plus, family clean-up was a breeze!

After all of my worries, I have no complaints about this home. And knowing that its the last time I will choose my own home, I am loving it for as long as we are here.

Update to Scene 3

The girls went to school this morning. Dave went to work. I went to Bible Study. So Wendy went to the new house to meet the painter. I called her over lunch for an update. Another wonderful dialogue followed. I should point out that I avoid telephone conversations with non-native English speakers at all costs. Especially mobile phone conversations. Far too difficult.

Wendy: Hello, Lynne.
Lynne: Hi, Wendy. What's going on today?
Wendy: The furniture was delivered. It is in the upstairs bedroom.
Lynne: Great.
Wendy: The painter came. He will return this afternoon, or maybe tomorrow.
Lynne: How does it look? Did he do a good job?
Wendy: It looks just the same.
Lynne: I'm sorry. I must not have heard you. How does it look?
Wendy: It looks just the same. He painted a few spots and it does not look different.
Lynne: He didn't paint the whole wall?
Wendy: No, just a few spots.
Lynne: And it does not look better?
Wendy: No, it looks just the same. There are still spots on the wall.
Lynne: Did you tell him to paint the whole wall?
Wendy: Yes, I told him. He says that his boss only instructed him to paint the spots.
Lynne: The man who was there yesterday?
Wendy: Yes, the same man.
Lynne: I think this is a bad man. I think he does not like me.
Wendy: (laughing) Yes. He said yesterday that the walls are very clean and do not need painting.
Lynne: This makes me very angry. (a stream of rambling about movers coming tomorrow and furniture being against the walls and people not listening or doing what they say they will do). This makes me very angry.
Lynne: What do you think we should do?
Wendy: I think we should let the paint dry, and see how it looks. If it looks bad, we will ask him to return and paint the whole wall.
Lynne: (another stream of rambling about furniture in the room and busy schedules and kids sleeping in the house and ventilation) So we need to wait?
Wendy: Yes, we need to wait.

I fear that this bodes quite badly for cooperation with our landlord on any problems we may encounter. Impractical. Translation: lovely, but stupid. At least I have Wendy to help me! Where would I be without my own, trusted, personal translator and assistant?

Dialogue at the Hand-Over

I was handed the keys to our new home this morning. We will move from our high-rise, 225 square meter apartment into an old, old house down a little Chinese lane with 150-170 square meters and no closets. Not kidding about the no closets bit. Not even those wardrobe things. Hardly even cabinets in the kitchen. Conversations from this morning.

Cast of Characters:
Myself: The stupid Westerner
Wendy: My ayi, a native Mandarin speaker but also nearly fluent in English
Tony: Our agent, a native Mandarin speaker who also speaks English, but always mixes up his pronouns
Contractor: The man sent by the landlord to answer questions and move furniture

Scene 1
Inside the kitchen of the new house
Wendy: This house is very nice (clear implication that she is surprised).
Lynne: Yes, very nice. Just not very practical.
Wendy: What does "practical" mean?
Lynne: Um, it means that the house is lovely, but we are stupid to live here.
Lynne: (opening kitchen cabinets) See, these cabinets do not hold storage. They cover old pipes.
Wendy: Oh my.
Lynne: (walking into storage room) This is our 2nd bedroom, but we will have to keep food and dishes in here from the kitchen.
Wendy: The door is missing!
Lynne: (climbing the stairs) The master bedroom is up here, so far away from the girls' bedroom.
Wendy: Oh my. I think you will not live here for long. Maybe 6 months.

Scene 2
On the large rooftop terrace
Wendy: Right now, I clean your balcony every day. Will I need to clean this balcony every day?
Lynne: No, I don't think so. It is too large, and made of wood. We will wear sandals.
Wendy: I think that is best.
Lynne: (sees a large bug climbing a tree in the garden) Do you see that bug? What is that?
Wendy: That bug smells bad. If you touch it, your finger will smell bad for a long time.
Lynne: A stink bug?
Wendy: Yes, a stink bug.
Lynne: Yes, I think bugs will be a problem here. We will have to keep everything very clean so we don't have bugs and rats in the house. I really hate rats. I really don't want bugs or rats in the house.
Wendy: I think this is a very old tree. It is very large. Bugs will live in it. I think I can not clean this tree for you.

Scene 3
In the Living Room
Lynne: (to Wendy) I think they need to repaint the walls in here. Do you see the spots on the walls?
Wendy: Yes, I see the spots. I think they are not so bad.
Lynne: Hmm, I think that if we all see the spots then they are bad. There are many of them, and they are very large. It looks like they didn't finish painting this wall.
Wendy: Yes, I know. I think you should just hang pictures over all the spots. No problem.
Lynne: Oh, what if I don't want pictures in those places! Tony, we need to repaint this wall.
Tony: You think this is a problem?
Lynne: Yes, I think this is a problem.
Tony: I think it looks okay. Maybe they don't need to paint.
Lynne: If we all see the spots on the wall, then they are bad. I think they should paint one more coat of paint. It is a large wall. This is a simple job.
Tony: Alright, I will ask. (speaks in Mandarin to the contractor)
Contractor: (speaks in Mandarin to Tony - pointedly never speaks to me the entire day. In fact, generally begins speaking moments after I begin speaking.)
Tony: He says that they only painted the wall 1 month ago. He says it can not be dirty.
Lynne: I see. He is absolutely right. They did a lovely job painting the wall and keeping it clean. They just need to do a second coat.
(Tony and contractor speak in Mandarin again)
Tony: He says that if he paints the wall tomorrow, much paint will fall on the floor.
Lynne: I don't understand.
Tony: If he has to paint all of the walls in this room, that is a lot of paint. Much paint will fall on the floor and someone will have to clean it.
Lynne: I still don't understand. Why can the painter not clean it himself?
(Everyone looks at Lynne in surprise)
Tony: The painter does not do this. He paints. He does not clean.
(Lynne engages in conversation with Sophia, so as to extricate herself from the conversation)
Later
Lynne: (to Wendy) What did you decide about painting the walls?
Wendy: The painter will come tomorrow. I will follow behind him very closely, and quickly clean the floor whenever he paints.
Lynne: And you're okay with this?
Wendy: It is okay.
Lynne: I would suggest you bring along newspaper or an old cloth. Put it on the floor, and you will not have much to clean.
Wendy: Oh, that is a good idea!

H1N1

China has taken the H1N1 strain of the flu very seriously, which seems to have made international news a few times. They placed the mayor of New Orleans in week-long quarantine for a mild fever. They quarantined an entire hotel in Hong Kong for a week. And they claim to have negligible cases. The argument is whether the quarantine is truly working, or whether they've set such high standards that we've all been forced to lie. Arguments for both below:

Pro-Quarantine: No Swine Flu in China
We received communication from the girls' school this afternoon regarding the flu. We are under strict instructions to quarantine our children for 7 days if:
A: they show signs of the swine flu, as verified by a doctor
B: they return from visiting another country
C: 2 children in their class has the swine flu
The entire school will close for 2 weeks if they have to quarantine 2 of their classes.

This is serious business. These rules came straight from the Chinese government, and the school has no choice but to enforce them. Further rules have been enforced at hospitals and clinics for months. Before being allowed to enter a hospital or doctor's lobby, everyone must have their temperature taken. If anyone shows a fever, they may not be seen by the doctor. They are routed immediately to a public fever clinic, where they are to be screened for the swine flu and pumped with antibiotics.

Anti-Quarantine: Swine Flu Flying Under the Radar in China
Trouble is, we're all scared to death of those fever clinics. I include our doctors in the category of scared to death. One family doctor explained how to drop their body temperature in order to fool the front desk thermometer-ist. Ice water and air conditioning - lots of it. As this flu is not killing an inordinate number of people, it seems likely that folks with the flu are just staying home in China and quietly recuperating. That the swine flu has shown up, but continues to fly under the radar.

To their credit, I must admit that China has very few (possibly no) reported deaths from H1N1. Maybe its working. As an added bonus, preschoolers in Shanghai are much less likely to be spreading fevers around this year!

Baby's Last Night

This time last year, the night before Lilly began school at The Wonder Center, I wrote Baby's Last Night . Tomorrow I will leave Sophia in the morning and pick her up at the end of the school day. I face another baby's last night.

No backpack sits on the shelf. No lunch to be packed. At Tiny Tots, they distribute matching backpacks to every child and cook a hot lunch for the entire campus on a daily basis. No clothes sitting out, pretty dresses waiting to be pulled on for that 1st Day of School photo. The girls will wake together, pull the clothes right out of their closet and over their heads. Lilly begins at a new school, but she has already met her teacher and her classmates. She will stand confidently in that photo. But for Sophia, this will be the true 1st photo.

Tomorrow my baby goes to school.

This beautiful girl, my baby, has always been an individual.
She has rarely done anything at my suggestion, generally preferring complete failure to my assistance.
But anywhere she has ever gone, she has gone with me.
Anytime she has cried, she has come to me.
Anyone who has known Sophia has known her as an extension of me.

Tomorrow my baby goes to school.

And tonight is the end.

Tomorrow she becomes her own little person.
She’ll learn things that I don’t know.
She’ll say things I’ve never said.
She’ll know people I’ve never met.
She’ll go places I’ve never gone.
She begins her own life tomorrow.

My little girl, not even 3 years old, has grown so much. Its amazing to think about it. From the tiny baby, who doubled in size in just a few short months. The infant who screamed for hours on end, wearing my patience to the quick and introducing a young Lilly to sisterhood quite rudely. She could only be calmed with walking, carrying and walking. Nana had a perfect touch with her, soothing her quickly and for long spans of time. But at only 9 months, we tore her from family and neighbors to life in China.

She grew into a friendly toddler. A 1-year-old who loved the attention a fair Western child garners on a street in Shanghai. She kept her dramatic flair, but she developed spunk and an individuality which constantly surprises us. With a sibling only 15 months older, she fell easily into the role of kid sister. She played with older kids regularly, and began talking and learning their social rules with ease. She grew into a social confidence where people enjoy her company, but she shows a cool non-chalance about them. This always draws friends, and Sophia became a quick playmate.

When Lilly began school last year, Sophia loved the individual time with Mommy - a first in her life. But she also missed the constant companionship of her sister, and most enjoyed the time spent playing at Lilly's school every afternoon. She gave us no choice - Sophia wanted to start school this year.

I went along to the orientation week, where she met her teachers and walked through a shortened school day. Cool Miss Sophia rarely sent me a second glance. She smiled at her teachers, answered all questions posed to her with confidence, and declared that she likes none of the other children in her class. The youngest in her class of 3 year olds, and she's already the coolest kid there. She has such confidence, and is so ready for school that it seems ridiculous to feel sad. I am so proud of her. And still, so sad to say good-bye to my baby.

Housing and Moving

The paperwork is completed - at least on our side. We've finished our physicals, mailed in the bills, and submitted the names and addresses of every family member and foreign friend. These were each monumental tasks, but once completed they seem simple. And now we just sit and wait. We wait for Dave's Security Interview, where someone from the Embassy talks to him about what kind of security risk he may be. That's when they'll plan to talk to his employer. We wait for the staff nurses to review our medical forms, and come back to us with an All-Clear or a Few-More-Questions. We expect the All-Clear, as we all seem to be in perfect physical condition.

So now, we just wait. We don't bite our nails, as it seems the hard part is done. I'm quite confident that Dave will pass all of his clearances. So we just sit at home, wondering how long each step will take, and when we'll get the call telling us to move. And so, as we wait, we read and research and foresee and plan. I thought you might enjoy some of what we know.

Timing
We know that the clearance process has sped up considerably over the last few months, for people living stateside. We know that the process has probably also sped up for people abroad, but that it still takes quite a long time. Our best guess is that Security Clearance will take about 5 months, putting Dave on the register in February. We're betting that he'll be pulled off the register within a month, and have 1-2 months to move. That places us in the states around May, just in time for Dave's family reunion.

Moving
Thankfully, the State Department will pay to move us from here to the DC area. They will do this in 3 steps: 1 - plane tickets for the family; 2 - a sea shipment for household effects (HHE); 3 - an air shipment. The catch is that HHE goes straight into a storage facility in the DC area, ready to be shipped onto post as soon as we know when and where. The air shipment goes directly to our temporary home in DC. But restrictions on air shipment are vast, including a low weight limit and a restriction on furniture. Also thankfully, State will pack up a secondary location for us. So all of the items sitting in storage in St. Louis or taking up space in our family member's homes will move to DC on the government's dime. Prepare your homes, folks - we'll be taking back most of our things.

Housing
This is the part of most interest to me. State provides a per diem for housing while employees and their families live temporarily in the DC area. This per diem should cover decent housing in the area, and many landlords know how to work with the state per diem and charge accordingly. But the simplest option will be to move into Oakwood, a serviced apartment company which contracts directly with the State Department. They have a location near the training site which is dedicated almost exclusively to Foreign Service members. Its got a playground, a swimming pool, a good school district, a shuttle to the training site, and plenty of people in the same situation. They furnish each apartment and they provide the dishes and appliances that they know we'll need, as everyone there will have most of their possessions sitting in storage a few miles away.

As we've moved every year for the past few, I've come to the conclusion that temporary housing is no good. Wherever you live, that is your home. And especially as a mother, its my first job to make sure that a house feels like our home as quickly as possible. This housing situation will provide a real challenge, in deciding what to air ship and what to send to storage, how much to invest in such a short term house and wondering how long we will live there.

Initial training for Foreign Service Officers is an intense 5-week program, where everyone wears suits to class every day. The last week of training features Flag Day, where each graduating officer is handed the flag of their new post by way of announcing where they're going. Each trainee then moves on to language, which can be a few weeks or 10 more months, depending on the language and your level of skill.

It all gives us a lot to think about, a lot to get excited about, and only a little bit to worry about. For the most part, our decisions will be made for us and worry will not make things any better or worse.

The Perils of Motherhood, part II

I make no argument that raising children abroad is more difficult than raising them in one's home country. The actual parenting challenges may differ, but I imagine that many of the challenges I would face in the states come quite simply abroad and vice versa. Each individual child faces individual challenges, and those may be big or small for the child no matter where they live.

But being a mother abroad can be a very difficult task.

Finding the right milk is hard, and keeping cool under stress is hard, and not bad-mouthing the city and country which is their home is quite difficult. A parent's primary responsibility is to make choices for their child, healthy and balanced choices which lead to a healthy and balanced individual. And as an American, I like my choices. I like to enter Super Target and walk down the massive aisle filled with different kinds of toothpaste, because I know exactly which kind of toothpaste is best for me. But in China, I just don't have many choices. I can choose a local school, but this presents too many challenges for our temporarily Chinese family. I can choose an academically rigorous school, but my children are young. So I choose the one school that's left. Their preschool is fine - it offers a play-focused approach to learning, and allows preschoolers to attend half-day. We will all be home by 12:40 every day for an unstructured afternoon. But it has taken me most of this week to stop comparing it to The Wonder Center from last year, or to City Garden from St. Louis. And I still comfort myself with all of the options I know we'll have in DC.

As we've been here for 2 years now, I've pretty fairly accepted Shanghai as my home. I know what I can find, and what may not ever show up at the grocery store. I know not to hail a taxi in the rain and to avoid changing trains at the People's Square metro station. I know to seek out Western restaurants with a good reputation when I'm feeling grumpy, and to save the local places for when I'm feeling adventurous. I know how to ask for help, and how to ask for prayer. I know that I don't have many good choices available, and I've learned to be happy with what I have. I like my life.

I have two friends who have decided to move back home, because they just don't like it here. I can understand entirely, and I have certainly felt the urge. Especially in those first few months - rare is the individual who felt comfortable in Shanghai before hitting the 6 month mark. But mothering makes everything more difficult. Many young mothers reach Shanghai having only recently given up our career, and establishing themselves as non-professionals for the first time. Keeping a house running and children well-adjusted in this city is a full-time job that requires a staff, but its still a mental adjustment. Raising children far away from their family leaves us all guilt-ridden. We all work hard to keep our kids connected to their families in their home countries, while some of our families make very little effort. Unfortunately, my children can no longer name most of their aunts and uncles (although their grandparents and cousins are remarkably well burned into their minds). This is truly unfortunate, and it is due to a choice that Dave and I made. Health care is spotty, pollution is rampant, and food quality varies dramatically. Were I here without children, I would establish my identity based on my skills as a professional and my interests as a volunteer. Were I here without children, I would maintain ties with my family and easily re-establish key relationships in my few weeks back home. Were I here without children, I wouldn't worry about health issues, food safety or pollution would be minor blips on my radar.

Both friends will leave Shanghai with their children soon. Their husbands have chosen to stay here. This is not a choice toward divorce. This is two individuals needing to lead different lives for the next few years. A family deciding that the job is more important right now than being together all of the time. This is not as dramatic as it may sound. Many husbands in expatriate positions spend the majority of their time traveling, leaving their wife and children to navigate the challenges of Shanghai life on their own. The girls and I are blessed that Dave is usually around, and that he makes a concerted effort to be home for dinner most nights.

I am quite with the life that we've chosen, and excited to continue it for the foreseeable future. But with the changes forced upon us, and the friends giving up, it makes me see what a challenge motherhood adds to every choice I make. Anything with kids is amazing. But Shanghai without kids would be a breeze.