The Choice of Help

I’ve gotten over my guilt and I’ve made my decision. We’re hiring an ayi. Our first candidate will be here in just under an hour. She will help me 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. I am entirely comfortable with this decision.

And with the decision made, I wonder how I ever tortured over it? When I was at home, I managed a house and two children without crying for help, I thought to myself. Why can’t I do that here, I tortured?

The answers to that question are simple:

1: Day to day life in China is more labor-intensive than in America. Going to the grocery store includes a 20 minute walk on either side. One load of laundry can take nearly all day. Veggies must be sterilized before ingested. Dishes must be washed by hand after every meal. With this schedule, we rarely have time to spend at the playground.

2: At home, I had help. My mother lived nearby. My friends swapped babysitting. I had my own car, with a backseat for storage.

3: America is a child-friendly country. The Chinese love children, but their cities are not built for them. With each of their thousands of families having only one child, there is no infrastructure for double strollers. Furthermore, Chinese custom leaves the retired grandparents to care for a child until they are 18 months or so and old enough to go to school full-time. Children are rarely taken along on everyday errands. Taxis do not have seat belts, let alone car seats. Grocery stores have stairs and no elevators. Sidewalks have high curbs but no ramps. The ADA would shut nearly every business down.

4: And let's be honest - I cried plenty because I couldn't manage a house, a yard, and 2 babies.

But enough of this documenting that a mother in a foreign country needs help. It is beside the point – the real question is, when did the choice to be my child’s primary caretaker become the choice to spend all of my waking (and sleeping) hours cooking for her, cleaning up after her and folding her laundry? The disdain for working mothers is more understandable, although no more justified. But why do American mothers feel they must choose between raising their children and caring for themselves? Of course I realize that few mothers in America have the choice of help. Fair enough - neither did I. But what of this guilt once I did have the option?

I’m now keen on the ayi movement. Shame its not an option for most middle-class women in the states. But as I have the choice, I will hire help. I will spend my time on pursuits inside and outside of my home. I will focus my energies on enjoying my children rather than cleaning up after them. And I probably will have a hard time returning to the states and my ayi-less life.