Homesick

I feel myself struggling with homesickness more now than ever. This surprises me - finally I have a home, and am surrounded by my things. I can cook in my own pots and pans; I can snuggle up with my own blankets; I have piles of my own books and music. I feel at home in my apartment.

And maybe that's what makes it tough. This doesn't feel like vacation anymore. This is life, and its not going to change back to the way it was.

We put together S--'s crib last week. Neither Dave nor I are particularly handy. My Dad had helped me take it apart. As Dave and I tried to remember how to reassemble it, we had plenty of fits and starts. At one point we got the entire frame put together, only to realize that we'd screwed all of the pieces on inside out. We had to take it apart and start all over. And I thought, this wouldn't happen if my Dad were here. Which is unfair, really, because my Dad can be pretty spacy. I mean, we made plenty of silly mistakes when we took it apart in the states. But with my dad, it wouldn't be so hard. If I messed up, he'd help me. If I got frustrated, he'd calmly and quietly show me that it wasn't worth the upset. And I'd get to enjoy doing something with my dad. When Dave and I made mistakes, I wasn't laughing. And there wasn't anyone there to tell me it was no big deal, and to just laugh and keep going. And I knew that he wouldn't be there for any of it - not for a long time.

My folks go by Nana and Papa to the girls. Nana and Papa read some of the girls' favorite stories onto cassetes and sent them along with us. L-- and I listened to the tape for the first time a week ago. At first, she was amazed and spent more time watching the tape player than looking at the pictures. How did Nana and Papa get in there? But then, as most things in her 2-year-old life, she just accepted it as fact and settled in to listen to the stories. And I settled in, too. It's been a very long time since I've had my parents read me a bedtime story, but their style is the same. Listening to their storytelling voices made me feel like a kid again, snuggled up with Teddy in the crook of my arm and my blue blanket tucked up to my neck. Watching the pictures instead of following along with the words. And when the tape ended, L-- and I both said Nana and Papa read stories again!

I must have expected things to get easier once we settled in. I must have expected life in a residential area to be simpler than life in a business district.

But its not. Its still life in China. I'm still buying all of my groceries at the import grocery store. It took me days to work up the courage to buy plants from the vendor on the street, or DVDs from the hawker. I went to Carrefour today - much like Wal-Mart, this is a low-price superstore selling everything a Chinese home could need. People pushed me. I had to push other people. I confused the words for left (zuo) and right (you). The instructions on the laundry detergent were all in Chinese. The fish were still swimming, the chickens still had their feet and the pigs still had their eyes. I wanted to cry. I ate a Snickers bar just to make me feel like an American.

I keep reminding myself of the concentric circles I wrote about previously - my world will get larger day by day. Soon, I'm sure I'll find I have plenty within walking distance. But right now everyday things feel so difficult, and simple things feel so overwhelming.