Conversations with Wendy

For readers not in the know, Wendy is our housekeeper, or ayi. She is Chinese and hails from Nanjing. Her husband is Shanghainese, and she often describes him as "horrible" or "very horrible." I feel comfortable writing about her because I am quite confident that none of her friends or family read this blog. Further, because Wendy is not her real name, but only her English name. She speaks wonderful English.

Bank of China
Adam asked Wendy last week whether or not the Bank of China is owned by the Chinese government. After a surprisingly long conversation to define the word "government," she confirmed that it is. The Bank of China is not privately owned, and thank goodness for that, she said.

As recent as the 1960s, the Chinese government has seized people's assets for no other reason than because they had a capitalist attitude. Most of our cash holdings lie in Chinese Yuan (RMB) in the Bank of China at this time - Dave's choice, because the RMB holds artificially stable, and because the dollar is falling against it at a faster rate than the growth rate of most US savings accounts. Still, we are American capitalists and I (the reactionary that I am) fear that the government will not allow us to take our money without a fight.

I told her in much fewer words, that a public bank makes me nervous. She laughed, and said that a private bank makes her nervous. Apparently, something akin to private banks here have opened, only to have the company accept deposits and then close their doors and walk with the people's money. I explained to her the public insurance system of FDIC in the US, which she found surprising and probably quite expensive. Either way, she was quite sure that no such system exists within China and felt much safer with the government owning all of the banks. Quite a different perspective from the debates over the US banking bail-out last fall!


Tap Water
Wendy asked me yesterday why we never drink the water from the tap. Under instructions from our doctors, our friends, and our guidebooks, we never drink tap water within China. We only rarely cook with it. My understanding is that the water purification system for the city of Shanghai is actually quite modern (unlike in most cities in China), but that the pipes are not. So, the water does not carry any sort of bacteria and will not make a person feel ill immediately. But the water does leech lead and other dangerous minerals off of the water pipes. I wonder at the levels of lead poisoning within China, and I worry about my children's levels after living here for 3 years.

Keeping it simple (her English is only so good), I explained the problem with the pipes. She countered that this was not such a problem. That she has heard too many stories about people buying bottled water that was very bad. Although she does drink out of the bottle at our home, she says that bottled water scares her much more than that from the tap. And further, that no doctor has ever told her to the public water could be dangerous.

Of course, her doctor also prescribed antibiotics and an IV on a nearly daily basis when her daughter had the flu, while mine told me not to call him until at least day 10 of the runny nose and cough.


Spanking and Beating
I am blessed to have well behaved children. But when Lilly loses control, she loses it completely and I have yet to find an effective form of discipline. Wendy, along with many others, suggested spanking. Well, she suggested beating. She "beats" her daughter, and says that it works very well. After a bit of discussion, we determined that she only spanks her daughter - aiming only for the hip - and would never otherwise try to hurt the child.

I told her to use the word "spanking" instead of the word "beating." I explained that beating is hurting someone very badly, like in a fight. Beating a child is irresponsible and not acceptable. She understood, and named a Chinese term for abuse. She asked if Dave has ever beat me - and I quickly said no! Then, to underscore the point, I said that my father had never beat me, and his father had never beat him.

Now, Wendy is not a woman to be crossed. She makes her opinion known, she stands up for herself, and she makes her own choices. She is a very strong woman. So, it was only for the sake of conversation that I asked if her husband has ever beat her.

Wendy: Yes, one time he hit me with a chair.

Lynne: He hit you on the head with a chair?

Wendy: Yes, one time. My baby was very young and crying a lot. I was angry, and I treated him with anger. He got very angry, and he picked up a chair and hit me on the head (she pointed to her temple). He made me bleed.

Lynne: What did you do?

Wendy: I think that if you forgive someone the first time they beat you, they will continue. So, I told him that if he ever does that again I will KILL him. He laughed - how would I kill him? I said, you have to sleep sometime. I will KILL you if you hurt me again.

Lynne: Has he ever hit you again?

Wendy: No.

At this point, Sophia needed to go potty and so the conversation sat on hold. But after a little bit, she picked up the trail again.

Wendy: I don't know what I would do if he beat me again.

Lynne: China and America are very different places. I do not know what kind of choices you have.

Wendy: Divorce?

Lynne: That's what I would tell you in America.

Wendy: But if I divorce, where would I live? And what about my daughter? I could not leave my daughter.

Lynne: I know. In America, your daughter would stay with you and your husband would have to help pay for your home.

Wendy: Oh! That is a very good deal!

Lynne: Well, not really. He would not have anymore money than he has now, but he would have to spend it on two different homes. It would be very difficult for him, and maybe he wouldn't always do it.

Wendy: Oh. (pause) I am a Nanjing person. My husband is Shanghainese, and so my daughter is Shanghainese. I could go back to my hometown, and my family would help me. I could change my daughter to be a Nanjing person, and then she could go to school in Nanjing. But the schools in Nanjing are not so good - not as good as in Shanghai.

Lynne: I just read that a person from Nanjing can rent an apartment in Shanghai - maybe this is new?

Wendy: Yes, I can rent an apartment in Shanghai. But how can I afford it? Apartments in Shanghai are very expensive. And who would care for my daughter? How would I work? (pause) I tell my brothers and my sisters in Nanjing, and they say I must bear it. (pause) I argue with him, and he does not beat me. But when he gets angry, I must stop arguing. I am afraid he will beat me again - and then what would I do?


I wish I could tell you I had sound advice for her. I don't. This would be difficult in America, where I understand the basics of the legal and social systems. I have no advice for her here. Further, she has explained that this is normal, and so no one feels bad for her. She knows that it is wrong, but most people she speaks to do not sympathize with her.

I told her that I agree with her brothers and sisters. If she can bear it, she should. I probably should lose my MSW for saying that, but I think its probably true. I also told her that if he hits her again, she needs to decide if she can bear it. That she must decide which is harder to bear - that maybe having her husband beat her and scare her is worse than anything else.

She said that if she saw a way, she would leave him today.

I doubt her situation is unique.