An Update on Wendy

Regular readers will remember Wendy, our ayi in Shanghai. She struggled with an abusive husband while she worked for us, and agonized over whether to leave him and thereby leave her daughter, or to stay with him and set a horrible example for her daughter.

I spoke with her today. To her credit, Wendy decided to leave her husband. The abuse got worse. She went to the hospital. And then she moved out.

Her husband refuses to grant her a divorce. Instead, he tries to maneuver her back into the house, with ploys like needing help with their daughter Le Le's homework. He says he's sorry every single time, and promises he will never hit her again. He is a textbook abuser.

Wendy went to help her daughter with her homework last night, and to read some books to her. She related this conversation - remember that Le Le is 3 years old.

Le Le: If Daddy promises to stop hitting you, will you forgive him?

Wendy: No, I will never forgive him.

Le Le: If he promises not to hit you, will you come back home?

Wendy: No, I can not go home. Did it scare you when Daddy hit me?

Le Le: Yes, it scared me. I don't want him to do it again. Will you read me one more book before you go?


This conversation pushed her desire to bring Le Le into her own home, but this costs money. She works as a housekeeper, and does not earn enough to support both herself and her daughter. She worries that if her husband eventually decides to remarry, then he will grant her a divorce but not custody of her daughter - with a new mother in the house, Wendy would lose her daughter entirely. I believe she called me because she needs ideas on how to earn money. She sounded almost frantic.

A friend suggested that she should marry a foreign man, because they are generally very rich. This would be a good way to get a lot of money. My heart sank when I heard this suggestion. And fell even further when I realized how serious she was. Plenty of women in China have this plan, and there are plenty of sleazy bars to accommodate this market. Unfortunately for all of these husband shoppers, the men at these bars are not looking for wives.

The other idea her friend had was to work for a foreign family, and eventually go abroad with them. Then she could marry a foreign man in his own country, make a lot of money, and bring her daughter to live with them.

These ideas seem like pie in the sky - like schemes more than realistic plans. And the conversation pained me, because Wendy is a very smart, strong and capable woman. She could run a business, and instead she's discussing marrying a foreign man for his money. I suggested she look for an entry-level position in a foreign company, because her English skills and her rapport with foreigners would make her master a front desk, and her brains would get her promoted quickly. But she lacks confidence, and I lack the know-how to get these jobs.

I fear I left her in despair, when she called me in hope. I hate how few choices she has, and it hurts that I can't offer her any real help.

I told her we will leave China in just a few weeks. She has no email address, and I have no forwarding phone number. I worry I will lose Wendy soon. I feel so powerless.