Mourning Mei Mei

We named her Grace.

Somewhere in the first year or so of planning our adoption, we named her Grace. We always called her Mei Mei, which means little sister in Chinese. We figured we'd call her that, too. But her name would certainly be Grace. No middle name yet - that would depend upon her Chinese name, and all of the circumstances when we met her.

It was such her name that when I was pregnant with Annika, we never considered that name. The name Grace has already been given to one of our children.

I mourn that child this week, because Dave and I have decided not to move forward with our adoption. I say this with a heavy heart, because we are now missing a member of our family. But I also share it with confidence that we made the right choice. Our family is complete right now, and China currently turns away families who would love to adopt because of a surplus of loving parents. She will still be adopted, and she will be fine.

I don't mean to sound overdramatic. Our child never died. She will live a healthy life, and was never our child to begin with. I won't mourn her for years. But this week, our family is one child smaller, and I am mourning Grace.