The Moment (or week) of Truth

Invitations have begun for the August class.

Dave and I have put our hope in receiving an invitation to this class.

We are checking email at ridiculously regular intervals, watching for an invitation to arrive.

Bible Study

As Wendy searches for direction and answers to her family problems, she continues to explore Christianity and often asks me interesting questions. Today's truly challenged me, and left me stumbling for quite a while before I came to what I believe was a good answer.

She asked about my Bible Study, and questioned the book we used. It turns out she was looking for a book to explain what the Bible says - and I explained that there are more books than she could count trying to explain what the Bible says. I asked her which part she's confused about, and she said that she'd been reading the gospels. She reached the part where Jesus says to turn the other cheek. Specifically, "But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also."

Remember that Wendy's husband is beating her, and Dave and I continue to tell her that this is not okay. So, she asked a very sensible question - but one which never would have occurred to me. So, the Bible says it is okay for my husband to hit me? I should allow him to do it?

I don't know what I said for quite a while - something nonsensical, I imagine. She continued to ask questions, and I realized how difficult it was to explain. In fact, I began to realize what a radical concept this is. In the Judeo-Christian culture of America, turning the other cheek is entirely accepted and very rarely acted out. In China, turning the other cheek is an unknown concept.

Here's what we eventually came to:

When two people fight, maybe someone will hit the other one. But maybe no one will hit the other person. And maybe one will say, "Go ahead and hit me." And then the other person does not want to. At this, the scenario began to resonate with Wendy.

This is not the same, because Jesus asks us to speak with humility and peace, as clearly opposed to taunting. But I believe that the spirit is the same. If Wendy allows her husband to hit her, she is weak. If Wendy stands tall as her husband hits her, does not fight back, and says to him that he can hit her as much as he likes; then she is being strong. She is stating that she is strong, and that he can not hurt her. That her God is bigger than his cruelty.

And isn't this exactly what Jesus showed? He peacefully and humbly allowed people to hurt Him, and to kill Him. And through all of this, He could have said - My God is greater than this, and you can not hurt me. And although they killed Him, He returned.

Living Out Faith

I wrote last night, introducing my new crisis of faith. The end of my phone call with the preschool in DC left my head spinning, and my faith severely thrown. I'm not sure that I wrote a coherent post about it - I am sure that my thoughts were not particularly coherent.

This morning, as I talked to the ladies in Bible study, I began to make sense. Allow me to recreate the scene.

Setting: Seven women gathered around a brown shag rug in my living room, the screen closed on the front door to allow cool breezes into the shaded room. Wanda is leading a Bible study on the Israelites as they are poised to enter the land of milk and honey. The Israelites choose not to enter this land, for fear of the giants who lived there in well fortified cities. For their lack of faith, God keeps them in the desert for an entire generation.

Wanda: Its surprising that the Israelites would show such a lack of faith. They have been in the actual presence of God, and seen so many of His works.

Me: That doesn't surprise me at all. How many times have I felt God's presence, and known His leading? And still, when a situation becomes difficult I fear that God won't solve my problems. This is where I am today, isn't it? It has seemed all along as if God would place Dave in the August class - how is this not the best choice for everyone involved? And now we have the last spot at the perfect school, having been held for an extraordinarily long amount of time. How much more clear can God make this? Yet I do not have this much faith.

Wanda: Certainly, faith is not always simple.

Me: Yeah, more than that. Sometimes faith is really hard. In fact, faith is hard by definition, right? By definition, faith is believing in something that can't be known.

Shona: Oh no, you're absolutely wrong.

Me: (a little thrown by the challenge, and frankly, a bit annoyed) What?

Shona: Faith is being sure of something we do not see. I think it says it in Hebrews 11 something.

Me: (skeptically, opening my Bible) Where does it say that? Hebrews what?

Shona: I think Hebrews 11 something - I'm not sure.

Pause as I find Hebrews 11, and then as I am surprised.

Me: Hebrews 11:1 - "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see." Its already underlined in my Bible. Well, that's clear, isn't it? If I have faith that God will call Dave to the August class, I need to write a $5,000 check tomorrow.

Shona: $5,000 - that's a lot of faith.

Faith v. Pragmatism

Dave is currently ranked at 41 on the political register.

Calls for the August class will begin within the next few weeks, and they will invite around 20 people from the political register. Some people are on the Do Not Call List, and some people will turn down their invitation. Forty-one is within the realm of possibility for an invitation in August. I imagine the Do Not Call List will grow as the summer ends, and so even more within the realm of possibility for the September class.

We have prayed, and felt God's guidance on this entire process. It has seemed clear to both of us that the Foreign Service was the place God had in mind for Dave - this is his path. And August always seemed the best month, for so many reasons. Following our faith, we've been telling people we expect to move to DC this summer.

But God's not actually sending us emails - faith is essentially believing in what can not be known. And so we maintain our lease here in Shanghai, we enroll the girls in school here in Shanghai, and Dave certainly has not quit his job. None of these cost us anything. But as we come nearer to the dates we hope to move, the costs will pile up.

We paid 2,000 RMB as a non-refundable application fee for Sophia's preschool in Shanghai. Because Sophia is enrolled, we can wait on Lilly's application until mid-June - the sibling preference will enroll her immediately. Still, in mid-June we will pay another 2,000 RMB for Lilly's application.

We will be in town for the summer, and so we will join the pool. The pool doesn't accept summer memberships - its annual or nothing. And the pool doesn't accept monthly payments - its all at once. So, we will pay 10,888 RMB in mid-June to join the club.

That's 14,888 RMB in non-refundable cash we will invest in our life here in Shanghai by mid-June. Add to that the baby items we will ship from Grammy and Grandpa's basement, and we're investing about $2,500 in the possibility of staying in Shanghai. We have no choice on the school, and we have very little choice on the pool.

But here's where it gets tough.

I just spend an hour and a half on the phone with an amazing preschool in the DC area. This school has a national reputation, and a wait list "as long as her arm," according to the administrator I spoke with. This school would be a beautiful fit for our family, I believe. And they're holding the last 2 spots for our children.

Like many other things, this seems sent from heaven - another sign that we'll get into the August or September class. Luck doesn't find such a perfect fit, right?

But they're asking for $5,420.94 within 1 week.

I want to have faith that we'll go to DC in August, and I pray for it every night. But that faith is becoming pretty expensive. Probably prohibitively so.

I want to live out the faith that we'll go to DC in August, but does my faith actually make it more likely?

The Rest of the Story:
I will not pay the $5,000 this week, and so I will turn down the guaranteed spots at this, such an amazing school. But all is not lost. The school is growing, and waiting for zoning regulations to enroll about 10 more children. That zoning will not come until early fall. Possibly, this will be perfect timing - and God can work through things I can not yet see. He may still have a place for them at this school, and I will continue the conversations.

But the question still remains - when does living on faith become entirely unpragmatic?

Wendy's Choice

A few readers have been asking about Wendy. I explained in an earlier post that her husband beats her and she wants to leave him. Here's an update.

A friend referred her to a lawyer. Apparently, this lawyer sees people pro bono during certain hours of the week. His office is near our home, and so Wendy went to see him this afternoon. From what she told me, he seems like a very good lawyer who gave very sound advice.

He told her that her husband will never change.

He told her that if she divorces her husband, he will certainly be awarded custody of their daughter because he has a job and a house.
(She and her husband live with his parents; and her work as an ayi is paid under the table, because she is not Shanghainese and is not allowed to work here - this is her choice.)

He told her that she must have police records showing that her husband beats her and her daughter severely before a court would consider giving her custody. So many parents beat their children in China that it is not grounds for removal.

He told her that she could not transfer her daughter's local citizenship from Shanghai to Nanjing, where Wendy is from. This local citizenship determines where a person can work, own property, go to the hospital and attend school. Migration within China is illegal. He told her that a court would not award her daughter a citizenship change from Shanghai to her hometown because Shanghai is a bigger city, and they never allow people to move into the country from the city. He pointed out that she does not have a job or a home in Nanjing, either.

She said to me, tearfully, What can I do?

And it was difficult for me to say my answer out loud. I replied, You must choose whether you will take care of yourself, or take care of your daughter.

This is what it comes down to. And there is no right answer. It is an ugly choice.

For now, she chooses to stay in her marriage and care for her daughter.

I hate it, but I told her that I think she should bear it.

Maybe I've been in China too long.

Sitting the Month

After giving birth, a Chinese woman traditionally "sits the month," or zuo yuezi, a custom which means almost exactly what it says. The recovering new mother is relegated to bed for 1 month, often lying down most of the time, to allow her body to recover from the trauma of childbirth. She will care for her new baby, but be otherwise exempt from household chores.

This seems to be a very common custom. I say with assurance because I am not sitting the month. Annika and I have left the house nearly every day since we returned home. And at each outing, at least one person will exclaim at our being out of the house so soon! She is so little! people will cry, presumably out of surprise that we would leave home with her. Although Westerners will react this way as well, a stronger note of surprise seems attached to the Chinese reaction - especially that of the old ladies in our neighborhood.

Wendy explained the custom to me, at least as she practiced it. The woman is supposed to stay in bed for 1 month, and the baby is supposed to remain in the house for that time as well. I asked Wendy if it got boring, and she confirmed that it did. She said many women sleep a lot, but she was not so tired and so they allowed her to sit in a chair and talk to her many visitors.

Traditionally, the woman also does not shower or wash her hair, and stays away from cold water. Wendy placed the roots of this in poverty and a cold climate - to retain heat and rebuild a healthy body in a cold house, its best to stay away from the cold water. While some women follow this rule, my impression is that its talked about far more often than observed.

Wendy also explained that women eat certain foods, notably eggs. At least 3 eggs a day for the entire month. Hard boiled eggs dyed red are also the traditional gift to celebrate the birth of a child, much like distribution of cigars a generation ago in the states.

After being quizzed on this Chinese tradition, Wendy asked if my mother or grandmother have pains in their backs and their joints, and watery eyes. She explained that these are the consequences for leaving the house during this month of recovery - should a woman face a strong wind at this time, she will be subject to such pains and problems once she gets older. She seemed quite surprised that neither my mother nor my grandmother suffer from such problems, and that they both certainly left their beds during that first month. Her answer - maybe foreign people and Chinese people are different this way.

The people of Shanghai are a tolerant bunch. Being used to foreigners are neighbors, I don't receive more than a grin and a few clucks when local people see me out and about with my newborn child. But trust me - I receive those few clucks from every single person I come in contact with.

Delivering in China

I seem to be getting some street cred from the states for delivering a baby in China. So let's set the record straight. I hate to argue when people are proud of me, but delivering in China has been an awful lot like delivering in the states. I felt quite confident in each of the doctors and nurses who surrounded me. In fact, I'm in the International Section of a local hospital - meaning that everything happening here on the 12th floor meets American board regulations. A few bits and pieces have been a bit strange or overwhelming, but the experience overall has been strikingly similar to Missouri Baptist.

But just for fun, a few things have been pretty different:

Although each of the doctors and nurses speak English, they only do so to me. Amongst themselves, they always speak in Chinese. This can be overwhelming and isolating sometimes - like when they put in the spinal. But this can also be quiet and restful sometimes - like when they were finishing up the operation. It makes it much easier to tune out all of the words around me, but also much more difficult to draw distraction from them.

People laugh a lot in China. Laughs mean something is funny, someone is uncomfortable, someone is wrong, someone has been insulted, someone else could carry this list on interminably. So, I know that the nurses laughing a lot should not be taken as an insult. They are not laughing at me when I disagree. And I disagree often - the room is not too cold, the baby is not too cold, the baby is not hungry now, I will give her formula now. Nurses the world over must struggle with patients thinking they know more than the experts, and new mothers the world over struggle with overbearing nurses. I can not say if Chinese nurses are more authoritarian or not - but they do laugh at me more.

Annika takes some of her meals from a bottle, which we brought from home. As the water in China is not safe, the nurses sterilize the bottles after each use. When returned, a nurse always places a tissue over the bottle. As if the tissue is cleaner than the air surrounding it.

Tissues play a big part in this maternity ward. When I placed a burp cloth on my shoulder to burp the baby, a nurse quickly put some tissues on top of it.

They don't seem to be big on mother-child bonding. Although very supportive of breast feeding, none of the nurses seem to believe that I also want to be the one bottle feeding my child. And even when I was nursing exclusively, they gave the baby formula in the middle of the night. She was hungry, and you were sleeping.

The 12th floor is a little piece of the West in an otherwise very Chinese hospital. Meaning, only 3 elevators operate for the whole building - it took Dave 10 minutes to reach our floor one day, because he was the only person not willing to push someone for a place on the elevator. Meaning, construction noise still inhibits our lives, with drills, hammers and some sort of suction noise playing most of the morning. Meaning that coming into the hospital is not for the faint of heart, as people are being wheeled down main hallways, carrying their own blankets, food and IVs, lights are inferior, floors and walls look dirty. I'll admit - I'm a bit nervous about taking her out through what must be a germ-infested elevator and front corridor.

As I'm in on a Saturday, Annika saw a local doctor today. This was probably the most jarring experience of them all. He did not smile once. When he first saw me (still lying on bedrest) he said, What is the matter with you?

I thought about answering as plainly as I could - I just had a baby, but somehow it didn't seem constructive. He watched me suspiciously as the nurse explained that I had a spinal tap rather than an epidural during the surgery, and need to lay flat on my back to stave off headaches (yeah - it sucks).

Then, he looked at the baby. What is the matter with the baby? Again, I'm a little thrown. At this point I have to assume that his English is poor, and that he means to ask how she is rather than what is the matter with her.

She's good, I say.

A boy? he asks.

A girl, the nurse and I both reply.

He strokes her soft spot, smiles at her hands, says she doesn't look yellow and no longer needs treatment for jaundice, and otherwise proclaims her healthy. Seriously - that's the extent of his exam. As he confirmed my feelings, I had no problem with his quick diagnosis - but I certainly wasn't bringing any questions to him, either.

Perhaps the coolest thing, though. She has a birth certificate from China, just like the locals have. Its in a little green book and its a serious little document. Very cool. As soon as possible, we will take that little booklet together with our marriage certificate and 2 photos of her (wish us luck on that one!) to the Shanghai Consulate, where the U.S. State Department will issue her a Certificate of Birth Abroad. Rather than having a birth certificate from a county within the US, her official birth certificate will come from the State Department, as is protocol for any US citizen born outside of the country. Pretty cool, huh?

postscript: The nurse just entered, as I was finishing the piece. She says I "play on the computer too much. Much better if I just lay and rest." I said, I am not tired - can not sleep. She says that's okay - just lay flat, close my eyes, and rest. Like, all day long. I can not even imagine!

Introducing Annika Lynne

12:54pm on May 5, 2010
3395 grams or 7.5 pounds
51 cm or 20 inches
born in Shanghai, China
Mom and baby are both feeling fine,
eating and crying well,
and planning to go home on Sunday.

Thanks for your prayers!

What We've Been Reading

The hectic last few months have rather sweetly offered plenty of time for reading. Especially the last two weeks or so, where sitting on the rooftop terrace with my feet propped up has been my primary course of action. And as we see ourselves at the end of our time here, I've been focusing on our books about China. So, you China scholars, here are a few more books to add to your registers.

Unfortunately, I am running on limited brain power these days. So although I can recommend both books, I can probably not write beautiful prose on their reviews. Amusingly, I can hardly follow my own train of thought - often stopping midstream and wondering what I was talking about. We're assuming this will stop in a few days... or weeks.

The Good Women of China came out of a series of interviews by popular radio personality Xinran. This local Chinese woman lived in Beijing and had national recognition for her nighttime call-in show, leaving people with such trust of her that she had incredible access into women's stories. My mother read this book just before we moved to China, and found it horribly depressing. It is - no doubt. Although it does speak of women's strength, it also describes awful conditions and sometimes horrendous lifestyles. It is sometimes difficult to read, and is only recommended for someone with some knowledge about China. Still, Xinran tells stories which often remain untold. Too many women live oppressed lives in China - not only 25 years ago, when this book was written. And one of the ways to stop oppression is to bring it into the open. A well written book.

Wild Swans: Three Daughters of China by Jung Chang shows up on the shelves of most of the expats I know here in China. People seem to either love it or find it unfinishable. I loved it. Author Jung Chang writes this memoir of three generations of her family, covering the past decade of life in China. Through her family's incredible stories, she gives a detailed history of China since the early 1900s. Read this book because it is well written, or because it tells a compelling story about three very strong women. But more importantly, read this book because it will explain well what this country has looked like, felt like, and lived like through the past, tumultuous decade. Her personal approach helps the reader to understand many of the confusing choices people made during these times - to support the Communists, to join the Red Guards, to report on their neighbors. But it also personalizes the millions of people who lived through such difficult periods - and gives me newfound respect for so many people I now pass on the street. If you have any true interest in modern China, you must read this book.

James Fallows is a correspondent for The Atlantic, and lived in Shanghai and Beijing for a number of years as a foreign correspondent. He only returned to the US last summer, and pulled together Postcards from Tomorrow Square: Reports from China at the same time. Not a memoir, this book tells in depth some of the more interesting points of Fallows' time here as a journalist. Most interesting to Dave and I is that Fallows' time here overlapped quite closely with ours - and so the stories he tells are stories about our China. And in an ever-changing landscape, a difference of years can be quite a difference. Fallows writes well, and so this book is a simple read. He is clearly a good journalist, and so this book reports well on modern China. A good picture of today's China, I recommend this book as well.