A Frustated Social Worker

I planned to fire her.

I've written about Wendy before - she is our housekeeper, and has worked for our family for over 1.5 years. We think she is very smart and conscientious, and that she keeps our household running in a way we could not alone. She translates for us; she manages our repairs; she pays our bills and sends out our mail; she shops for us, finding mysterious things like Tylenol; and she washes the dishes and cleans the toilets, so we don't have to. Wendy is an important piece of our household.

So, when she began to check out about a week ago, I became worried.

I became worried that either A: I was nesting, and being overly obsessed about having a clean and orderly home; or B: she planned to quit.

As her behavior became less conscientious and her hours became shorter, I moved from worried to angry. And then she left Sophia outside alone twice, when responsible for the girls. This was an unsafe choice, and the last straw. Something had to be done.

I planned this morning to talk with her, and either move her to part-time with a serious drop in pay, or fire her outright. Then she showed up over an hour late for work, and my decision was made. She would be fired.

I sat her down, and asked What happened this morning? and I could not have expected her answer.

Her husband has been beating her heavily for the last week or so, while her daughter has coincidentally been developing a bad cold. Her husband and his parents (her household) blame her for the child's illness, which is leading to more physical and verbal abuse. Her friends and her family tell her she must bear it; she must swallow it. This is the Chinese way. But she says she can not bear it. What will her daughter learn? A little girl should not watch her mother allow someone to mistreat her so.

The social worker in me stepped into high gear. What's your story? What's your plan? How can I help?

In the US, we would have finished the afternoon by calling a domestic violence hotline, contacting legal aid, and finding a good counselor. But as far as I know, none of these services are available in China.

She is prepared to leave her husband. But she has a daughter, and believes that the law would place her daughter with her husband in case of a divorce. Because she is not Shanghainese, she has no power here.

Interestingly, here are the 2 ways to become Shanghainese (that is, a legal resident of Shanghai):
- be married to a Shanghainese person for 10 years; or
- buy property in Shanghai and live there for 5 years.

My social worker sense is going crazy.

Further, I contacted our church for someone who might be able to help her. They gave me Mary's phone number. Wendy called Mary, and here's what Mary told her. Mary said that her husband must love her, and her husband must love her daughter. Her husband simply does not know how to control himself, and must learn to. The only way to solve their problem is to get to know God.

And so Wendy asked me, If I know God, will this solve my problem?

Here's my big moment. I've had evangelism placed right in my lap. Someone is asking me to guide her to Christianity, right? And what do I say?

No. If you know God, you will still have this problem.

I may have just dropped a few rungs on the stairway to heaven, but I am so angry with Mary for suggesting that domestic violence and spousal abuse have such a "simple" answer. I explained to her that yes, God is all powerful. And yes, God can make her husband stop hitting her. But also that Christians are not without problems. That God could work through her and her husband, but probably would not overnight. And that she still ought to remove herself and her daughter from a dangerous situation.

Now, don't worry - I have not taken this problem on as my own. In fact, I am selfishly relieved that I do not need to search for a new ayi. But I am amazed, if not disappointed, that no safety net seems to exist for someone in her situation. I am so frustrated to have already exhausted all of my resources for her. How can I advise her to stay? How supportive am I if I say she must leave, when she has no choice but to stay?

The girls saw her crying, and worry that she is sad. They added her to our list of God blesses at the end of the day. I pray that He will.