Home Study, part 3

Although I originally began this posting on September 6th, I am also posting it as of February 24th because I would hate anyone interested to overlook it. I do not know how I missed publishing it, but this is wonderful information for anyone interesting in adoption from China.  This was written after the final day of our home study.

The final portion of our home study was a 3 hour training this morning. Our social worker shared so much information that I wish I had been taking notes. I'll do my best to remember the most striking pieces.

A roadmap, to aid your digestion:

A. Why the wait?

B. Why are so many girls abandoned?

C. CCAA - friend or foe?

D. The pick-up

E. The Adoptee

Why the long wait?

Once we submit all of our documentation, having been approved for parenthood by a licensed social worker, the government of the United States, and the government of China, we will then wait from about 18 months to maybe over 2 years to be matched with our child. This is under expedited processing. Families living outside of China are currently waiting over 4 years for their match.

Our social worker offered 4 reasons for the wait. Each reason is very good. And she assured us that healthy young children are not lingering in the system. A common misconception is that loads of little babies are growing up in orphanges because the government is working slowly on its paperwork, and that is simply not true. In fact, young healthy children are not lingering in institutions. There are extremely few toddlers in orphanages in China.

Reason #1 - Adoptions are on the rise in China. The goal of every country is to have their children remain in their homeland, and this is a worthy goal. The people receiving top priority to adopt are Chinese nationals living in China. And as the economy improves, and further as foreigners remove the stigma from adopting, Chinese people are adopting more of their own and lengthening the wait for the rest of us (hooray!). Expatriates living in China are reviewed second, but Chinese locals receive top priority.

Reason #2 - Rates of infant abandonment have dropped. Again, thanks to the improved economy. Although much work remains, China has accomplished an unbelievable task in lifting amazing numbers of people out of poverty over the last two decades. Less poverty means more people able to raise their own children, and/or afford birth control (hooray!).

Reason #3 - Checking it twice. Apparently the local rumor mill had a basis in fact, and in recent years a woman arranged the kidnapping of 15 Chinese children which she then sold to orphanages and who were subsequently adopted. This story still spreads like wildfire among the expat population - one more reason to be scared of China, I suppose. However, the Chinese government released the full story to both the international press and their domestic audience. They held all people involved fully responsibile, and punished them to the fullest extent. All paperwork is now checked and double-checked to verify that each child has truly been abandoned before releasing them for adoption (hooray!).

Reason #4 - The Waiting Child Program. I mentioned above that healthy toddlers are not sitting in orphanages in China. However, children with disabilities may linger for years. Likewise, older children are rarely requested and linger as well. China recently instituted the Waiting Child program, promising a short 2 month wait for these children. Their photos are posted online, and their stories shared so that families can fall in love with a child in need of a home. But more than that, parents can adopt a special needs child knowing fully what situation they will step into. Because the processing of these children receives priority, and because this program is so popular (hooray!), processing of other children's paperwork has slowed.

Why so many girls?

China's books still carry a One Child Policy, which is strictly enforced in most communities.  If a woman carries more than one child, they will be fined a tremendous amount of money or be forced into abortion.  And although this policy strikes at the heart of all supporters of human rights, it is worth noting that this policy has strong environmental benefits.  Modern China currently exhausts the world's resources, and growth continues.  With a population having 2-4 times as many children, imagine the drain on the world's resources.  Clearly the human rights issue here is appalling, as enforcement of this policy leads China to forces abortions and sterilization on thousands, and brings many parents to infanticide.  I do not envy the position of Chinese policy makers on many issues, and this is certainly one of them. Simple reversal of this policy creates many more problems.

With the knowledge that each family is allowed only one child, adoption from China becomes a beautiful love story from two parents to their baby.  Consider the plight of a poor family in rural china.  Possibly illiterate, no one in this family has job skills beyond growing vegetables on their small plot.  Their life is subsistence and not much more.  Under these circumstances, the woman gets pregnant.  She knows that government representatives keep their eyes peeled  for pregnant people.  People working in family planning in China are charged with enforcing a few different policies - both the One Child Policy, and the policy making it illegal to abandon an infant.  

Knowing she is watched, and unable to trust her neighbors to keep her secret, she hides the pregnancy.  Should she choose to abort the child, she has no problem - abortion is both legal and free in China.  Learning the sex of the child is impossible - ultrasounds are illegal.  So she carries the baby to term, hiding her pregnancy the entire time.  She doesn't eat - to avoid gaining weight.  She corsets herself - to appear the same body shape.  She keeps working.  These steps do not build a healthy pre-natal environment, although none are abusive.  These babies are loved. 

The baby will be delivered by a trusted local mid-wife - a woman able to keep a secret, and who brings the means to kill the baby immediately.  Upon delivery, the mother and father must immediately decide the fate of this child.  If they choose life, they must also decide whether or not that child stays in their family.  This couple may struggle to feed themselves, possibly also their parents and disabled siblings.  If their only child is handicapped, they'll have another mouth to feed and no promise of help in the future - there won't be anymore children in this family.  The parents may not both be able to work.  Sadly, this is an unsustainable life. 

If their only child is a girl, she will by tradition leave the family home when she marries and care for her husband's parents.  This couple has no social security, and will need someone to care for them when they get older. They only get one shot at creating that person.  They make a choice out of necessity - none of their options are good. 

Out of love, this couple chooses life for the child.  But out of a felt necessity, they also choose to abandon the child.  And this at great risk to themselves - remember that infant abandonment is entirely illegal in china.  At particularly great risk to themselves, they will abandon the baby where she will be found immediately. These are babies found only a day or two from having been born - a crying newborn would alert all neighbors and family planning staff to a its existence in the house, and must disappear as quickly as possible.   Most children are left on the steps of a neighboring village's police station.  Others are found at orphanages, hospitals, major intersections.  At great risk to themselves, the parents will drop the baby somewhere they will soon be safe.

It is a myth that Chinese people do not want girls.  Its not that girls are not loved.  Quite the opposite - these girls are loved tremendously and sacrificially.   Its simply that many families need a child able to contribute their whole lives.

We feel this is an important story to share with Mei Mei, that its not a story of abandonment but one of love.

CCAA

China Center of Adoption Affairs runs international adoptions for the entire country. Our social worker has worked with these people directly for over a decade, both facilitating hundreds of successful adoptions and also helping them to improve their system. She is fully convinced that these are good people, with good hearts, doing their very best to place children in good homes. Its a small department - arguably understaffed, which can lead to long waits. The advantage is the distinct lack of bureaucracy.  These people know each other, and they know the orphanages and the children waiting to be placed. This is no bureaucracy with hundreds of paper pushers. Some local offices have under 10 people working there. Our social worker feels strongly that CCAA are great people, caring about each child they work for, interested in each family they unite with a child, and dedicated to the well-being of all involved. She sees a good reason for every task we've been asked to undertake.

The Pick Up

We have entered the waiting stage, and that wait will end when we pick Mei Mei up from her home province.  But it should come as no surprise that this step will be a process as well.

Step #1 - the match:  CCAA will send paperwork to us with Mei Mei's picture, her brief background, and simple medical information.  Most families share this medical information with their pediatrician to check for red flags on their child's health.  Some families will use reject their match.  

Step #2 - the travel documents:  These will arrive a few weeks after we accept our match. We can travel anytime after that.  We have flexibility with when we choose to travel, but most people choose to travel as soon as it can be arranged.

Step #3 - the flight:  We will travel to the province where the orphanage is.  If still living in China, this will be a simple flight across the country.  At this point, it is unclear whether or not we will be in China in 2 years.  It is possible that this will be an international flight adding the complex stressor of jet lag to an already stressful time.  We will travel to the capital of the province.   If Mei Mei lives in the capital, we will go directly to her orphanage. Capital Orphanages are often showcases, with kids in matching outfits and new Duplos on the shelf. If Mei Mei lives in a rural area, the orphanage director and an ayi will drive her to town. She will be delivered immediately. We will probably not have the option to visit a rural orphanage, although our social worker assures us that these orphanages may not look pretty but are quite decent places matching the standard of life surrounding them. The standard of life around them does not match American standards - electricity, cleanliness, etc. And if the orphanage did meet American standards, a whole lot more children would show up on its doorstep.  Chinese orphanages are not at all abusive - well, except that they are an institution rather than a parent.

Step #4 - Gotcha Day: Director and ayi will hand us Mei Mei very soon after our arrival into town - probably rather within hours.  Once we meet her,  she stays in our family. Our two main jobs are 1: bonding with her, calming her, making her comfortable and 2: finishing provincial paperwork, which should take only a few days.

Step #5 - the American Consulate: Once we've completed all of the local paperwork, we move on to Guangzhou and the U.S. Consulate.  This consulate processes all visa application for adoptions.   We will be in Guangzhou for another few days, possibly staying at The White Swan down the street from the U.S. Consulate.  Known as the baby hotel, this hotel is well prepared for families with new babies and has plenty of baby beds, high chairs and even a playroom sponsored by Fisher-Price!  The entire area has stroller friendly curbs and shops with diapers - sounds like heaven in China!

Step #6 - American soil: Then we return home.  This part is simple for most Americans, as Mei Mei becomes an American once she sets foot (or stroller wheel) on American soil.  The challenge will be if we live outside of America at the time.  Returning to Shanghai and later to America would be no problem - a simply delay in the date she becomes a U.S. citizen.  Returning to another country first would be a challenge, as Mei Mei would need a visa in her Chinese passport to enter that country.  One more process to complete over those few days and weeks.

Step #7 - the last paperwork:  If we still live abroad, then our time in America we will be a flurry of paperwork to gather in just a few weeks. A new birth certificate, a passport, a social security number, plus any legal choices we may make about re-adopting. And of course, introducing Mei Mei to her extended family.

The Adoptee

Frequent writing about adopting multi-cultural children talks about the importance of including their culture into their life. We are in a uniquely positive situation to do that, having first hand knowledge of life in China. We intend to remain friends with Chinese acquaintances, to continue cooking the Chinese foods we like, and to retain the Chinese words we use in our family vocabulary. But our social worker advised against groups focused on children adopted from China, and we agreed with her. We plan for adoption to be an every day word, and for Asian women to be important roll-models in our home. But we don't intend to go so far as identifying our daughter as a Chinese adoptee rather than simply 1 of our 3 daughters. While these groups seem to be important support groups for the adopting parents, we do not feel they are best for our child.

What We've Been Reading

A recent request made me aware that I have been over 1 year tardy in posting what we've been reading.  China's history, culture and rapid development continue to fascinate both of us, as well as plenty of prolific authors.  So, here's a list of the good books we've read over the past 2 years.

Previously reviewed:

Death of a Red Heroine by Qiu Xiaolong, a simple police detective story set in modern Shanghai.

River Town: Two Years on the Yangtze by Peter Hessler, a fascinating and wonderfully written memoir of Hessler's time as  Peace Corps volunteer.  Possibly my favorite non-fiction on China.

China Road: A Journey into the Future of a Rising Power by Rob Gifford, Hessler's rival for my favorite non-fiction on China.  Also fascinating and wonderfully written, Gifford travels across China chronicling the modern rise in the daily conversations he has.

The Good Earth by Pearl S. Buck, a classic in modern literature, this book tells the story of a peasant family and makes rural Chinese culture beautifully accessible to the Western reader.

The Three Daughters of Madame Liang by Pearl S. Buck, written decades later and set in the middle of this century, the protagonists are a patriotic Chinese family with Western experience, this time making mid-century China accessible to the Western reader.

New Non-Fiction:

Behind the Wall: A Journey Through China by Colin Thubron.  Thubron travels China in the early 1980s, one of the first writers allowed into the country.  He chronicles his experiences and conversations in the newly opening country - this story can not fail to be interesting, in a land so full of change.

Riding the Iron Rooster: By Train Through China by Paul Theroux.  Theroux does a comparable trip to Thubron, traveling through China in the early 1980s - but he writes a much more compelling book.  Theroux both speaks and reads Mandarin and clearly loves the Chinese people and their culture.  A travel writer known for his curmudgeonly observations and never seeming to enjoy his trips, Theroux clearly loved every moment he spent in China.  His travels cover much of the country, describing diverse geographies and peoples.  And from my experience, every description of his is spot-on.  Hands down, this is the best travel writing on China.  Apparently Theroux recreated his trip recently and a new book has been published - I read the one published in 1988.

1421: The Year China Discovered America by Gavin Menzies.  Menzies does impeccable research on a relatively unknown subject - that the Chinese knew the world was round and had visited most spots on the globe long before the Europeans discovered any of it.  A very interesting topic, and a very interesting book for the first few chapters.

Life and Death in Shanghai by Nien Cheng.  A dramatic and piercing memoir, Cheng details her persecution both by the Chinese government and her neighbors during the Cultural Revolution.  Amazing in its detail and shocking in its truth - this book explained China under Communism in a way that I had never read.  Emotionally, a difficult read - but one that I highly recommend.

Factory Girls: From Village to City in a Changing China by Leslie Chang.  Chang began researching her book as a newspaper reporter and clearly found her protaganists so compelling that she devoted herself full-time to their research.  She enjoys her subjects and enjoys comparing their plight to that of her migrant great-grandparents, and now-American parents.  Had the book been 1/3 the length, it would have been fantastic.  Another one worth reading, and worth putting down halfway through.

New Fiction:

The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan.  Tan is a beautiful author, and her books are well worth reading on their own right.  They also teach Chinese culture in a tremendously powerful way - through a Chinese parent (or aunt) telling her story to her American daughter.  The aunts explain the protagonist's history in their own voices, and in a way that the American daughter fully understands.  Tan chronicles life in a Chinese-American family, and in so doing makes Chinese culture accessible to all American readers.

The Kitchen God's Wife by Amy Tan.  All of the above is true for this book as well.  What I found particularly compelling about this book was its period of history.  The mother in this story lived through the Civil War and Communism in China, and told her story in a very personal and beautiful way - made even more powerful by the comments and questions of her American daughter.

Snow Flower and the Secret Fan, by Lisa See.  Set farther in history, See tells the story of women and foot-binding in rural China.  A lovely story of friendship and womanhood, See describes the process of foot-binding and the choice to bind one's child's feet in a very real way.  The author makes me begin to understand the choices these families faced, and the challenges and joys these women faced in their society.

Bug Infestation

About a week ago, our kitchen began to mysteriously fill with small, triangular shaped, black winged bugs every evening.  At its worst, we would kill 20 bugs on a morning trip around the kitchen, coiled magazine in hand.  Our landlord visited one of those days, saw the problem, saw fruit on the counter and soundly proclaimed that this was not his problem.

After only a few days, I began to despair.  It seems that the route to fixing a problem in China involves proving that the problem exists, finding the source of the problem yourself, and fighting long and hard for a solution.  I had no desire to fight the good fight with twenty to thirty bugs appearing in the kitchen every morning.

Then, last night inspiration struck.  The drain!  The floor of our kitchen houses a drain - a drain which happens to lie very near the triangle bug hang-out.  So we covered the drain with a glass bowl last night, and this morning came to find loads of little bugs flying about in our bowl.  Wendy, our ayi, arrived impressed by our ingenuity.  But when she left, I was impressed by hers.  We both knew that convincing the landlord to fix the problem would take a long time.  To save ourselves the trouble, she cleaned out the drain and covered it with cheesecloth.  Presto!  No more bugs!

Necessity and good teamwork are the mother of all invention.

DTC

We received congratulations yesterday from our adoption agency.  As of February 19th, we are DTC - or Dossier To China.

This means that all of the paperwork we painstakingly gathered over the last 9 months have been gathered together into a dossier and mailed to China.  These were mailed by our agency and in a batch.  Presumably, we will pick up Mei Mei with this same batch of people.

Now we wait for our Log In Date (LID).  That is the date that CCAA enters our information into a computer and we officially join the line of expectant parents.  That should happen in the next few weeks, although it may happen notably before we hear about it.

As an expedited family, the current expectation is that we will receive our referral 19-20 months after our log-in date.  If all goes at current rates, we will follow the following schedule:

March 2009 - Log In Date

December 2010 - Receive Referral

This is when CCAA mails information on a specific child to us, giving us the option of accepting or refusing that child as our own.  Once we accept our referral, we begin a busy 6 weeks or so of preparing to travel.

February 2011 - Pick up Mei Mei

In adoption circles, this reaches its pinnacle on Gotcha Day.

The interesting question is where we will be living once it is time to travel, and how difficult it will be to make those travel arrangements at that time.

Uncertainties aside, DTC still feels a bit like a positive pregnancy test.  Wow - this will really happen!

Up the Yangtze

Upon recommendation from my parents, Dave and I recently screened Up the Yangtze in our apartment.  The film was a visually stunning telling of a family forced to move uphill due to the flooding of the Yangtze.  The Three Gorges Dam is a gigantic hydroelectric dam stopping the Yangtze River, and causing the height of the river to raise dramatically.  This rise has led to the resettlement of over 1.4 million people and the environmental loss of the Three Gorges, scenery no less dramatic than the Grand Canyon in the United States.

The portrayal followed a young lady, no more than a girl, as she leaves her family to work on a cruise ship riding the Yangtze River toward the dam.  The dramatic scenery, the documentation of the rising waters, and the emotions they capture from the people affected by this forced migration make for a very interesting movie and is well worth adding to your Netflix queue.  Frankly, we were surprised that we were able to find it in China.

Yung Chang, the director, grew up in Canada but his grandparents had migrated from China, presumably in the 1940s.  The China his grandparents escaped differs greatly from modern China, the last 70 years having encompassed the Communist Liberation of China with its catastrophes (the Great Leap Forward and the Cultural Revolution) and its rise into practical capitalism and dramatic economic growth.  The narrator often notes that his grandfather would not recognize today's China, a point which I have been thinking about all week.

I often feel that I would enjoy life in China more if it had more to offer.  The drawbacks to life in Shanghai are numerous - wild pollution, crazy congestion, people everywhere, a lack of green space and beauty;  and the struggles for me within Shanghai are numerous as well - difficulty communicating, difficulty cooking and shopping, difficulty finding suitable medical care and safe pharmaceuticals.  Watching a movie set in Europe, I noted that Shanghai offers very little back to me.  No strong sense of culture or history envelopes the city, very few charming alleys or ancient little shops.  The charming, ancient and culturally rich were all destroyed during the Cultural Revolution.  And the people living in China are the survivors, those who have pulled themselves through the chaos of the recent past and into an era of growth.

I suppose it should come as no surprise that Shanghai offers little in the way of culture and history.  To enjoy my experience here, it is incumbent upon me to find the charms of this city and nation as they are and not as they were.

Those charms exist, in the food and the travel, the people and the dynamic growth.  For history and culture, I can read a book.

Adoption Moves Forward

We're one step closer to Mei Mei's arrival into our family, and this one feels like a big step to me.  We have received permission from the U.S. government to adopt a child from China.  This is a major milestone - all documentation must have been gathered and correctly submitted to USCIS (the US immigration service) to receive this permission, and this is the last piece to gather before we may submit to CCAA (the Chinese adoption agency).

Unfortunately, my understanding may have been a bit off.  I thought that once the U.S. approved us for adoption, our dossier would move directly to the Chinese government.  It appears there are more steps before submitting to CCAA.  Our entire dossier must be translated into Mandarin.  Once everything has been translated, notarized, authenticated and certified by our adoption agency then we are DTC - and no, I don't know what that stands for.  At that point, they submit to the Chinese government and we become "logged in."  Essentially, we begin another long wait.

The time it took the US to process our application was half what we expected - how wonderful if we should be so lucky anywhere else in this process!

An Enviable Problem

We were so excited.

We had learned of a new church which would perfectly suit our needs.  It meets near our home, and within our general community.  It meets in the morning, meaning no interruption for naps or meals - a standard 11:00am start time.  They speak English.

We tried it upon arrival, and enjoyed the service.  The worship leader was strong, the song choices were good, and everyone sang robustly.  The preacher was fine, and we both got something out of the service.

But this church had only 1 room for nursery - and that nursery takes children up to age 4, with a limit of 4 children.  Our first Sunday, I estimate 75-100 children were in the service.

Last Sunday we tried again, with the assumption that we would stay through worship with our girls and then leave once the message began.  Worship lasts an hour, and this seemed like a strong compromise.

We walked in 15 minutes late, to be met by a sign in front of the door.  The service is full.  Please join us at the Hengshan Lu location at 2:00pm.  Turned away from a church riled us up a bit, so we asked if we could enter the standing room only crowd.  With permission we filed in, but could hardly find a place for the 4 of us to stand.  This room was filled with people - the children under 4 easily surpassed 125 and the room certainly exceeded the fire code.  Were a fire to erupt in the room, there is no way everyone would have escaped.

And what a wonderful problem - many church in America would be green with envy.  Unfortunately, I worry that we may be one of the casualties.  I am particularly aware of my family's safety while in China, where rules and regulations meant to keep people out of harm are rarely enforced.  But even if the building does not catch fire, standing room worship meant that we couldn't read the words for the songs and that we constantly worried about our children being stepped on by the constant flow of newcomers.  

China runs an aetheist state, and only allows houses of worship under strict control of the Chinese government.  The state has sanctioned plenty of Protestant churches in the Chinese language, which we are welcome to attend.  But the state has only sanctioned 4 Protestant worship sites in the entire city - and remember, this is a city larger than Los Angeles in population and area.  Clearly, the English speaking Christians of the city are crying out for more church homes and too many people are being left unfed.  

If the church continues to grow, we may not find ourselves able to return.  But I hope we will persevere - what a sad reason to leave!

Fired

I sometimes feel as if I'm building my resume just by living in China.  I learn wonderful interpersonal skills by building quick friendships;  I learn good budgeting skills by maintaining a household in multiple currencies; and I learn good management skills by managing a full-time staff of two.

Wendy has worked for us since mid-September, and we love her.  She comes to our home around 7:30 every morning and stays until 2:00 in the afternoon.  Essentially, she works while L-- is at school, so that I can take L-- to school and back each day with the option of leaving S-- at home.  She spends her mornings playing with S--, but also cleaning and cooking.  And her cooking beats any Chines restaurant I've eaten at, hands down.  Because those hours bring her to 32.5 hours a week, we also have room for a date every week.  Most Saturday evenings, Dave and I leave the girls with Wendy and spend some grown-up time on the town.  Her total lack of drama, her wonderful grasp of the English language, her willingness to listen and also to find work that needs to be done, and of course her cooking make her a valuable part of our household.

Jordan worked for us since March 1st last year.  He owns the van that we rode in, and he provided us with a driver.  Essentially, Jordan acted as a middle-man.  Longtime readers may remember that we fired the driver he initially provided.  Michael was a very nice man, always sweet to the girls and always attentive when I became upset.  But Michael was not a very good driver, too passive in an uber-aggressive driving culture and with no knowledge of the streets of Shanghai.  After trying him for 1 month, we had Jordan over for the evening and told him in no uncertain terms that Michael was unacceptable.  Jordan listened well, empathized with everything we said, and then told us that Michael is his friend and that Michael would continue to drive for us.

After driving for us for nearly a year, we had trained Michael fairly well.  His sweet disposition carried him well, so that he allowed me to direct him through the streets of town, he accepted constructive criticism quickly, and I enjoyed his company.  But Michael quit 2 weeks ago to return to his hometown and run a mahjong parlor.

Within 3 short days, Jordan had replaced Michael with Henry.  Henry knew his streets fairly well, although not as well as Dave or I.  Henry knew how to drive a utility vehicle with no rearview mirror, but had clearly never driven a passenger vehicle.  Henry never looked behind him when he changed lanes, leading to more honking than I have ever heard in Shanghai.  Henry listened to his music while we were in the car - loudly.  Henry fell asleep while waiting for us - so hard asleep that he would miss our phone calls for up to 15 minutes.  Henry was not a nice man, and Henry was not a nice driver.  So, much like a year ago, we called Jordan and explained in no uncertain terms that Henry was no good.  I told him that the man was not safe, and that the man did not treat me with respect.  Jordan disagreed, and told me to keep trying.  Every day since, I texted Jordan with Henry's every mistake.  After 2 days of this, Jordan let me know that he would find someone else.  I don't think he spent any energy looking, and unfortunately for Jordan, I did.

Mr. Zhang owns his own Hyundai van, comfortable and in good condition - and with a CD player rather than a tape player!  Mr. Zhang understands English, and has driven for expatriate families for 4 years, and this after having driven a taxi in Shanghai for 7 years.  Mr. Zhang and his family live in Shanghai and he seems to be a very nice man.  The girls both took to him immediately, and I have full faith in his driving.  Overall, I am quite confident that Mr. Zhang is a better driver for us than Jordan.

This meant that I had to fire Jordan on Friday.  On the first conversation, he seemed saddened and surprised but otherwise dignified and even understanding.  Apparently, over about 30 minutes that understanding changed to righteous indignation and he called back quite angry.  He tried to convince me that I had done a bad thing, and I stood my ground that I had kept him quite informed of how upset I was for the entire 2 weeks.  At the end of the conversation, his grasp of the English language not strong enough to find a proper insult, he said quietly 

You are a very bad person.

Lynne:  Did you just call me a bad person?

Jordan:  Oh, you are not a bad person at all.  I just think... I just think you are unkind.  No, you are not unkind.  I just think that what you did was unkind.

A sign of how sweet a man Jordan is - this is the nastiest he ever got.  Jordan is a nice man, and it makes both Dave and I very sad that we could not continue to do business with him.

The Packing List

While we were in the states, we spent time with friends and received plenty of questions about life in Shanghai.  One of the most common questions was What are you bringing back with you?  So, I thought our readers may find my U.S. shopping and packing list interesting.

Along with our standard clothes and Christmas presents, we fit into our 500 pounds of luggage:

- Pull-Ups: 1 box of Pampers Easy Ups gave us 80 items for $29.99;  1 bag of Pampers Chinese pull-ups give us 12 items for RMB100, or about $14.

- Deodorant: The Chinese do not use deodorant, so we each brought a 1 year supply.  This is no rumor.  Not only is it exceedingly difficult to find deodorant on a drug store shelf, but it is just as difficult to give it away.  I had a brand which I found ineffective for my personal chemistry, and tried to gift it to our ayi.  She had no use for it.  Impressively, I've never found her smelly, either.

- T-Shirts and Jeans: Although each of these products may be purchased in Shanghai, I am not likely to find my size or level of comfort.  I stocked up at the Gap Outlet and brought back a good pile of both.

- Cetaphil and Neutrogena Moisturizer: Allow me to generalize.  A woman cares about how she looks, and especially about her complexion.  Once a woman finds a good facial soap and a good facial moisturizer, she quits shopping around.  Consider my favorites found, and on my import list.  Although each is available for sale in Shanghai, the price runs double.

- Hair Product: If the following is true for me, than this is true ten-fold.  I've now had a few "fixes" on my bad haircut and am liking what I see in the morning.  But that is thanks in good part to the magic potions provided by my St. Louis based hairdresser, Martina.

- Quaker Instant Oatmeal: Available in Shanghai at RMB75 (about $12), purchased at an American grocery for .  This is where I have come to realize I am making a thoroughly American choice.  Apparently, making oatmeal from Quick Oats works as quickly as instant oatmeal packets.  But still, I happily pay for and import my packets of instant oatmeal.

- Old Navy Raincoats: These may be the best children's raincoats on the market.  Only available for a few months a year and in precious few patterns, these sturdy raincoats with jersey lining always look cute and keep our kids' appropriately warm on those chilly spring days.  We bought one in L--'s size, and in her sizes for the next two years.  Seriously, these are fantastic.

- Chocolate Chips: Purchased in the U.S. for around $3 per bag, they cost RMB60 (about $10) in Shanghai.  In the same vein, we also imported baking squares, powdered cocoa, yeast, baking powder and baking soda.

- BBQ Sauce and Natural Peanut Butter:  Brand Loyalty.  Kraft sells a BBQ sauce in Shanghai - the only BBQ sauce on the shelf.  For a girl from Kansas City, that stuff just doesn't cut it.  We import two sauces from Kansas City - Arthur Bryant's and Bilardo Brothers - and one sauce from Chicago - Sweet Baby Ray's.  The same goes for peanut butter.  Although Skippy actually makes  a peanut in China, sold at local prices which tastes just like the American product, I am just a lover of that oil-on-top, sugar-free variety.  So Smucker's earns a place in our luggage as well.

The list goes on, but my explanations become repetitive.  We also brought back Crystal Lite Raspberry Ice, Johnson's hair detangler, baby toothpaste, fruit snacks, a bag of chocolates and sundry other dry goods.

There is one last product worth mentioning:

- MacBook Pro: I made the switch.  I'm know an Apple girl, and although I'm not entirely sold on my new product, I am pretty excited to explore how well it works.  My last computer promised that it would die in under a year, and taking it at its word I decided to replace while still in the states.  I've been intrigued my Macs for quite a while, but AppleCare is what tipped the scales.  AppleCare is Apple's worldwide service, and therein lies the selling point.  Worldwide.

Simultaneously Interesting and Terrifying

Living in China is equal parts interesting and terrifying.  And ever changing circumstances have a dramatic effect on my level of interest or fear.

On a walk this morning, S-- and I found an amazing market within a few blocks of our home.  I wished I had my camera, and will try to return with it soon.  They sold a beautiful array of bright, firm vegetables alongside squirmy fish, pig trotters, and fowl splayed open for all the world to see their skeletons.  I found the entire place amazing, and also rather terrifying.

As our driver has made his career change to mahjong parlor host, I am desperately searching for his replacement.  The thought has crossed my mind that we could purchase a car, and I could drive myself around town.  This thought is equal parts interesting and terrifying.  We have lived in Shanghai long enough that I feel I know the rules of the road (there aren't any) and that I understand the layout of the city better than most drivers I have ridden with.  My life circles around trips to L--'s school and the grocery store, so I fail to see any reason to pay someone else to drive me around.  Except for one glaring reason - that obtaining my license, and owning and maintaining my own car in Shanghai seems absolutely terrifying.

We will see how this plays out.

FSOT Exam Tomorrow

I've mentioned our friend Doug in the past.  He hopes to enter the Foreign Service, and sits for the exam tomorrow.  He has asked for prayer as he finishes preparing for the exam, and sits for it in the morning.  

As he is a good friend, I wanted to post his request.

As the process is all quite interesting, I will post his progress.

That's It!

Tonight is the first evening since we landed on Sunday where I've stayed awake beyond 8:30pm.

Its been hard work, and I'm throwing in the towel.

10:08pm and my day is DONE.

Speaking Chinese

Henry began driving for us yesterday.

As I don't know what questions to ask to verify that someone with frighteningly little driving experience will do a good job, he is currently working under a probationary period where I am scrutinizing his every move. 

Yesterday: PASS

Today:  FAIL

He never looked behind him, except via his right side outer mirror.  No use of the rearview mirror.  No looking over his shoulder.  And lots of people honking and moving out of his way.  I'm not so sure about this guy.

One of the few questions I asked about him was, Does he speak English?

Jordan's reply (Jordan speaks good English, and translated this process):  No, but you speak very good Chinese.

I'm still riding high on the compliment.

Jet Lag Made Easy

After three nights at home, two of them have seen all four of us stay in bed until the sun shone in the morning.  It seems that everyone was lying awake in bed as the alarm went off this morning, but at least we had not been up and playing for 3 hours already!

Returning Home

We arrived home on Sunday evening, and my head has been so many places since that I fear this will not be a very cohesive post.  Still, in the spirit of a journal, I feel I must post where my head has been these long few days.

Sleep

During the 14 hour plane ride, none of us slept more than 2 hours.  We arrived at home with a very tired 3-year-old and a nearly incoherent 2-year-old.  We all went to bed and directly to sleep around 7:00pm, and although the elder 3 of us woke occasionally overnight, we all managed to stay quietly in bed until 8:00 in the morning.  This boded well for the girls and I, who followed a relatively normal day.  But Dave apparently awoke more often than the rest of us and could not function at work.  He came home feeling sick mid-day, and I just hope that he feels better after tonight's sleep.

By contrast, last night we all went to bed at 9:30pm and L-- and I were wide awake at 4:00 in the morning.  I got a pretty full night's sleep, but it will be interesting to see how she does today.

Staff

After 6 weeks in the states, it felt nice to have Jordan meet us at the airport and drive us home.  Jordan only rarely drives for us, although we enjoy his company very much.  Jordan is a Chinese man in his mid- to late-thirties from Anhui province.  He moved to Shanghai about ten years ago, leaving his family behind so that his son could go to school in his hometown.  Upon his arrival in Shanghai, he purchased a small car and began to hang out near Metro stops and expat areas soliciting rides.  He taught himself English in his spare time and built up a busines that now includes 2 large vans and a staff of part-time drivers.  Until recently, his staff also included our full-time driver, Michael.  Michael is a very sweet man, 32 years old with a wife and daughter living a few hours drive away.  He speaks no English and does not drive well, but kept us good company and managed the home-school route without too much difficulty.

Apparently, during his month away from work for us he had plenty of time on his hands.  With his time, he set up a mahjong parlor and enjoyed himself enough to make a career change.  Just last week he informed Jordan that he will no longer drive for him.  Instead he hosts his mahjong parlor, seated among 3 tables where up to 12 people can play.  An individual pays about 10 RMB to play for 6 hours, and Michael acts as a 4th when needed.  If his tables were full 24 hours a day, this leaves him the potential to earn a maximu of 144RMB per day - about $20.  Either he was not as well paid as we thought, or there is some gambling going on around his tables as well.  We are now in search for a new driver, and although we are hoping for someone who knows the streets better than Michael did, I doubt we will find someone as sweet and kind.

As we arrived at home, Wendy was just leaving.  She had spent the day cleaning the apartment and doing some shopping for us.  They both helped us maneuver our 500 pounds of luggage into the apartment before leaving us alone.

Arriving Home

Last year we went to America for the month of February, less than 6 months after we had moved to China.  Our return to China marked a turning point in my life here, as I realized that I felt at home in our apartment and returned to true friends.  I began to realize that I have a home and a good life in China.  Unfortunately, my return this year felt a bit the opposite.  We walked into our apartment (a different apartment from last year) and were struck by how empty and sterile it felt.  The walls are stark white, and recently bared from their Christmas decorations.  Empty hooks hung where our stockings had adorned the walls.  In the spirit of a temporary home, I have spent little on decorations and I had never noticed how sterile the place feels.  I have decided to live much more frugally, focusing our money on travel rather than on living lavishly.  Still, I am seriously considering investing in a few gallons of tan paint to warm up our bare, white walls.  Maybe the landlord could cover the cost!

Comfort In A To-Do List

After spending 6 weeks living with family, 10 days with Dave off work, and 13 hours in bed, I woke on Monday morning feeling low.  L-- starts school on Wednesday, and we have not lived in this home without the comfort of routine to guide my days.  Monday morning I faced two days with Dave at work, a house empty of other family, no driver, and no friends within walking distance.  It brought to mind the same question that always runs through my mind while in the states - what are we doing here?

I spent a few moments feeling sorry for myself, but then the kids asked for breakfast and my mind snapped back into focus.  Fifteen pancakes later, the day looked full with the basics of a day at home with children.  Just finding our toothbrushes took time, and the girls were happy to play with all of their remembered toys.  We all felt comforter by the familiar, and by our control over our schedule.  And by mid-morning we had plans to meet up with friends on Tuesday.

We miss family dreadfully, and are already counting the days until our next visitor.  And the walls are bare and stark, with a dreary view out the window looking through our dead plants onto our dirty, grey compound and the smoggy grey sky.  But snuggled in our fluffy robes, feet propped over our soft rug, with fluffy blankets piled on top of us L-- and I feel quite at home this morning.  And as we fall into our normal routine, we all feel perfectly comfortable.  And although Shanghai feels a rather soulless city in many ways, it offers some fantastic local food, some amazing photo opportunities, and plenty of wonderful people.

It is good to be home.