American Independence

I've heard it said that the defining characteristic of Americans is our friendliness.  Especially within the United States, people will discuss how Americans are immediately welcoming, although generally only superficially.  I've heard it described as a low fence with a high wall - we'll let you right into the front garden, but its hard to be welcomed into the house.  Many other countries have a high garden wall, but once you're into the garden you're also welcome in the house.

This is true, but I think its not the most significant difference.  After all, many cultures are friendly.  And friendliness differs drastically by cultures within American.  No, I see independence as the defining characteristic of an American.

I've been thinking about this as I watch our housekeeper care for Annika, and as I watch nannies bring young children to music class.  It annoyed me to watch nannies follow children around the classroom with a water bottle pointed toward their face - can't that child manage her own drink of water?  It made me crazy that our housekeeper doles out cookies instead of fruit when I'm not here - Annika needs to understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy food.

We saw these same patterns while we lived in China, where they also made me crazy.  Children on the playplace at McDonalds would have parents following them around with a chicken nugget in their hand.  When sufficiently prodded, the child would turn to take a bite and then continue playing.  If they choose to play instead of eat, thats their own problem!, I would think.  Our Chinese housekeeper Wendy and I would discuss this frequently, because her own daughter was near Sophia's age.  As a 1- and then 2-year-old, I rarely fed Sophia.  She could eat with her hands, and eventually she figured out how to eat with a spoon.  Wendy thought this very impressive.  She reported back to her family that my children never needed help getting their food to their face.  They answered back, and these children make no mess?  To which Wendy had to reply, No, they make a horrible mess.  There is rice all over the floor when they finish.  She and her family decided it is much simpler just to feed the kids themselves.  And to that end, she was still feeding her 5-year-old niece.

This seemed insane to me.  How can these children learn to be fully functioning adults?  And yet somehow they do, because both China and Venezuela have their fair share of fully functioning grown-ups.

It occurrs to me that as a culture, Americans teach our children independence immediately.  We are much more prone to You can do it! than to Here, let me get that for you.  And this must be directly related to the way we treat our elderly.  Other cultures would not consider a retirement home as a viable option for their grandparents, but we tend to assume that our grandparents would not want us waiting on them.  When we spend so much time teaching our children to care for themselves, I wonder if we make it less obvious how selfless a job parenting is?  Possibly caring for a child's every need makes dependence upon your family so much more familiar, and creates the assumption that of course you will eventually care for your parents as well.